06/24/2014 03:44 pm ET Updated Aug 24, 2014

LinkedIn: The Magical Pathway to Success

As far as I'm concerned, LinkedIn is the most exciting site on the Internet. In fact, my LinkedIn experience has changed my life to such a degree that I recently bought stock in the company although my broker advised against it, arguing that nobody really understands why LinkedIn even exists. Hah! I knew better!

Before joining LinkedIn I had not been a fan of social networking but when I lost my low level managerial job, a number of my friends urged me to join LinkedIn, claiming that networking with thousands of other professionals would guarantee me hundreds of job offers within a week or two.

I had a strong feeling they were full of shit but I joined anyway. After perusing the site, I was immediately impressed by the super-sophisticated high tech graphics and the clever way in which the designers had made navigation so charmingly antiquated.

Although I was skeptical about the likelihood of finding a good job via LinkedIn, I created a profile in which I exaggerated my barely adequate leadership and managerial skills. Then I started searching for contacts.

After a week, I'd accumulated a vast network of professionals from a wide variety of fields. Soon, these contacts endorsed professional skills that I didn't really have and congratulated me on the anniversary of my last job, which I had held for just under six months, having been let go for excessive tardiness.

A week later, the job offers started pouring in. It was amazing how a few days of LinkedIn networking could be so incredibly fruitful! My friends had been right!

Unfortunately, the first few job offers were not quite right for me. For example, I gave serious thought to accepting an offer to become CEO of General Motors but I didn't really want to move to Michigan, and working from home was not an agreeable option for them. Apparently, as CEO, my presence in the office would be required, don't ask me why.

Sadly, I also had to decline a very attractive offer to fill a position as a Vatican cardinal. Although the salary and benefits were outstanding, I wasn't thrilled by the dress code (red is not my color) and the possibility of advancement was slim due to the fact that I'm not a Christian.

It was a tough call but I decided to pass on a civil service job as Secretary of State of Denmark because of the less than adequate expense account, although the free lifetime supply of herring was a tempting perk.

The prospect of living through a Chicago winter caused me to decline a very lucrative job as president of Playboy Enterprises in spite of the company Ferrari, the generous profit-sharing plan and the staggering abundance of female pulchritude.

Being a pacifist, I obviously had to reject a tempting offer to become one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff although, as my profile declared, I had worked as an assistant scout leader for a month so there was no question that I was qualified.

I must say LinkedIn exceeded all my expectations. What an amazing site! It makes you wonder why there is any unemployment in this country.

I haven't accepted any of the 200 offers I've received yet, but I'm confident a perfect one will come along soon.

In the meantime, I'm rethinking the Vatican dress code thing.