05/03/2013 04:14 pm ET Updated Jul 03, 2013

Dude, This Sequester Thing Is Gonna Be Awesome!

Dude, I don't have a clue what this sequester deal is but Chelsea told me when it hits our town, it's gonna be really sweet. School will be a blast. Chelsea says we won't have to worry about getting called on in class because there'll be like two hundred kids in the classroom and a clueless substitute. So no homework! I can play Xbox all night and look at video porn on my iPad. It's like the best thing the government ever did, right? I am so stoked.

And hey, with all those kids in the classroom, we can text and post on Facebook and go on Instagram without hiding our phones on our laps or under the desk! Who's gonna notice? The sub will be dodging spitballs for an hour.

My dawg Dylan says we'll be able to smoke weed in public like anywhere, because they're gonna fire all the cops in town. Think about it, dude. No cops! No firemen either, so my posse can build a smokin' bonfire at the lake. Who's gonna stop us? And guess what else? Now we can skateboard inside the mall because they're gonna be firing all the lame security guards. Thank you Congress! You dudes are awesome!

Since my Dad will be laid off from his job at the post office, my Mom won't be able to afford to buy all that organic shit from Whole Foods anymore. No more friggin' salads and weird squash and gluten-free stuff. Goodbye soy milk! Now she'll have to shop at Vons on Five Dollar Fridays. Chili dogs, pizza and Coke every day!

You know that army base south of the mall? They're gonna shut it down. You know what that means, dude? That means there'll be like all these empty barracks. Parrrtyyyyy! Oh yeah. And you wanna hook up with Megan? Sure, those army beds probably suck but hey so what, right?

And if there's a natural disaster somewhere, like a tsunami right here in town, nobody'll clean it up, like ever. It'll be like free Raging Waters forever! Maybe I can get a deal on a surfboard on Craig's List. Bitchin'! LOL.

My brother will have to quit college and come home, because they'll cut off his student loans. He's the coolest dude ever. He is so awesome. Loves to party and knows lots of hot older babes. And he lets me drive his wheels.

This just in, dude: Chelsea says they're closing the school library, the cafeteria and the chem lab. And here's the best part -- to save on electricity and heat and shit they're gonna shut down the whole school on Tuesdays and Thursdays! How cool is that?

God, I so love the government!