09/17/2013 06:33 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2013

The Dumbest Online Dating Profiles I Never Saw


I'm looking for that special someone who will share my passion for toast, all kinds of toast -- white toast, whole-wheat toast, rye toast, toasted bagels (and when I'm feeling wild and crazy, a Pop Tart.) To me, toast is the ultimate turn-on. There is nothing like a woman who smells like toast! I picture us sitting on a couch in front of my sixty toasters, getting nice and toasty, sipping brandy from glasses with croutons floating in them, talking endlessly about the splendors of toast. Perhaps one day you will ask me to spread butter and jam on your body. Or cream cheese -- I'm not particular. Are you that special woman?


Hi there.


As I always display my person in the modest attire of a Jane Austen character -- petticoats, bodice, period hat, corset - and comport myself thusly, I would expect that my date do the same. I picture you as the image of Mr. Darcy, a handsome, dashing, gentleman who is arrogant and snobbish, yet holds a certain allure. As I spend my days doing the things Jane Austen heroines do -- nothing much -- you will be foxhunting and walk about with a riding crop which you will slap in a manly way against your manly thighs thus producing welts. Anon, I will realize that I have great affection for you and we shall wed. Of course, during intimate activity of a physical nature -- my heavens! -- I shall wear several layers of bedclothes, which will excite your member.


I'm the kind of guy


And lo, thou shalt come upon me clad in thine simple robes, preferably low-cut to display thine orbs, and lo, thou shalt mount my slightly-lame ass and we shall travel through yonder desert and maketh what the Lord has ordained us to do, if you catcheth my drift. Thou musteth never worship graven idols unless they looketh like me or a certain part of me. We will walketh upon the beaches of the Galilee and sayeth abominations to each other whereupon I shalt develop horns.


I need a man who shares my insatiable love for romance. No matter where we go, there will always be candles. We'll spend time strolling hand in hand on the beach, then watch the sunset and look at each other adoringly as we stroll with our arms around each other to my house and take a bubble bath, after I've lit several hundred candles and put on romantic music. We'll whisper romantic things and then I'll light more candles as we sip brandy by the fireplace and gaze longingly into each other's eyes. Later, we'll watch a romantic film on TV - I have a huge collection - and cuddle, cuddle, cuddle, lit only by the two hundred candles surrounding us. Forget sex. I'm not a tramp.


Are you awesome? I'm awesome. Let's get together and be awesome together. It'll be awesome. Awesome is awesome!


Hey handsome! If you friend me, I'll friend you! I'm looking for a guy who "likes" Facebook as much as I do, a man who knows how to "comment" intelligently or emoticon me when I post photos of my pet cat, Muffy, which I do at least twelve times a day (LOL). She's so cute and cuddly and does the darndest things! (ROTFLMAO.) We must "share" our love for Facebook and never actually meet but make passionate love all night via "chat." My perfect soul mate should change his "profile" picture daily and be able to "crop" and "upload" "timeline" photos of sunsets at least once a week. My "feed" will always be open to you. Hehe. If your first name is Mark, that would be perfect.