07/11/2014 12:23 pm ET Updated Sep 10, 2014

Wake Up Republican Women, Your Party Hates You

Ladies, ladies, ladies, what's it going to take for you to stop bashing yourself in the face with a meat mallet every Election Day? Does the twisted, sanctimonious GOP state senator you voted for have to propose legislation making it legal for you to be sold into white slavery because... well... just because? Does the whacko Tea Party congressman you supported have to craft a bill saying that you should be stoned in the street (no, not the good kind of stoned) for wearing a halter-top in public? Do the nutjobs you repeatedly, repeatedly vote for have to repeal the 19th Amendment (you know, the one that enfranchises women), before you finally decide to vote for a sane person? (Oops, sorry, too late, you won't be able to vote for a sane person. Or a crazy one either. Or anybody.)

Seriously, ladies, to what absurd level of fracking-depth lunacy do these bottom-feeding misogynists (is that redundant?) have to sink before you perceive, in your Limbaugh-inspired wisdom, that perhaps, just perhaps, your beloved Republican Party doesn't have your best interests in mind?

Ladies, in case you haven't noticed, the Republican geniuses you robotically vote for have saddled their horses for a Holy Crusade and guess who the infidels are? They've already suggested that you should show a little more enthusiasm about getting raped because it's all part of The Almighty's glorious plan; that men should be allowed, allowed to rape you if abortion is legal; that your privates should be probed for no legitimate reason; that hospitals should allow you to die rather than perform life-saving abortions.

If that doesn't piss you off even a teeny-weeny bit, some of your GOP buddies have also opined that you should stay home with the kids instead of working; that perhaps some of you should not be allowed to vote anymore; that you should get a judge's permission to date or have sex if you're going through a divorce.

Not convinced yet? The same guys you helped to elect are also against lowering interest rates on your kid's college loan and think your wages should be lower than a man's. If you're out of work and need an extension on your unemployment insurance, forget it -- that's oil subsidy money. How many times does a tornado have to decimate your house before you consider the possibility that your beloved party just might be mistaken about climate change? Oh, and how's that $7.25 minimum wage working out for you?

Ladies, your kids aren't safe anymore because it's okay with the GOP if the mentally unstable loner up the block -- the one with a taxidermist's rendering of his deceased mother chillaxing, albeit a little stiffly, on his Barcalounger -- owns thirty automatic weapons so he can open fire in a schoolyard because he couldn't get a prom date. Here's the punch line -- you support background checks but the arrogant simpleton you voted into office doesn't care what you and the majority of his constituency think.

And now there's the Hobby Lobby decision, a stunning work of 15th Century jurisprudence produced by... take a wild guess... five men, one of whom is a ventriloquist's dummy. The good news is that if you work at Hobby Lobby, you can buy a do-it-yourself birdhouse building kit for 20 percent off. The bad news is that you'll have to spend a month's salary on contraceptives.

What's next, ladies? No mammograms because your boss belongs to a recently-invented-by-him religion which preaches that breasts are an evil temptation wrought by Satan to lure men. (Hello?) Or the Holy Cervical Church, created by another lunatic who thinks cervical cancer is God's way of punishing you for promiscuity and... well... good luck.

Common sense dictates that it's not a brilliant strategy for a political party to deliberately piss off the majority of the electorate, that majority being you. Face it, your Republican pals simply don't care about your demographic -- they figure you'll vote for them anyway.

And they're probably right. But why ladies, why? Is it because your parents were diehard Republicans and it's some sort of stupidity legacy? Because your husband might not react too peacefully if he finds out you switched parties? (Don't worry, they're okay with that in some states.) Because Republicans are better at national security? (They're not.) Because the GOP always lowers the deficit? (They don't.) Because they cut taxes? (Nope, not even Saint Ronald.) Because one day, when you're really rich (you won't be, thanks to them) you sure as heck don't want to pay taxes on all that gosh darn loot?

Or is it because of the biggest myth of all -- that Republicans believe that government should be smaller so it won't... um... probe into peoples' private lives? (Just ignore the stone-faced guy in the dark suit and sunglasses standing watch 24/7 in your bedroom.)

The alarm clock is ringing, ladies. Wake the hell up.