06/10/2013 01:56 pm ET Updated Aug 10, 2013

What the NSA Knows About Me

Like so many other Americans, I have been unknowingly feeding the NSA vital national security information via cell and Internet, such as the time my dog pooped twice during a single walk and I only had one bag with me. The fact that I bent down and pretended to pick up the poop -- which was a tad mushy, but not quite diarrhea -- then waited around to make sure no one had seen me leave it there, must surely have given the NSA pause. Had I not posted this event on Facebook, texted the story to a friend and taken a video of the dog creating the pile, the NSA would never have found out about it.

How could I have been so stupid?

They probably also know about my Facebook affair with Nadia Chuckerman from Billings, Montana which took place over a period of three years via Facebook chat. I didn't know Nadia when she friended me, but she seemed like a nice enough lady in spite of the fact that all of her 300 friends were men. I must say she looked pretty good in a bikini for someone who had a PhD from Oxford, wrote book reviews for the New Yorker and won a world chess championship held in Novosibirsk in 2011. Thank God we never had phone sex -- I shudder to think what the NSA would think about that -- although I did loan her $5,000 which she swears she will pay back in spite of the fact that she unfriended and blocked me after the check cleared.

I just know that one put me in a special NSA dossier.

And OMG, they know about the time I bought that Bundt cake mold on the Internet and the time I Googled an article about how to cure toenail fungus with household products (bleach, vinegar and Listerine). And I suppose I should have thought twice before visiting that site of Vladimir Putin topless photos. Then there's the Speedo I bought online. Yes, I admit that was stupid. So was the time I searched the Internet for monkey bars -- I swear they were for my kids.

I hope the NSA believes me when I say I did not Google "Free Animal Porn." My Uncle Bob did that while I was peeling onions with Aunt Judy. I swear it. But yes, it's true, I did correspond via email with a Nigerian guy for a while, but I'm pretty sure he was legit even though there was no logo on his emails. I should be getting the six million dollars any day now and I promise to pay taxes. Did you hear that IRS? I promise. Just ignore the emails I sent to my accountant.

Thank God I didn't buy that blender on eBay.