12/03/2012 07:43 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2013

Secession: A Cure for America

South Carolina wants to secede -- again; just like in 1861. Hooray! Many people who are fed up with this troubled child's rebelling say, "Sure, go ahead. Good riddance and don't let the door hit you on your way out." What would the country be losing outside of habitat for fire ants and cotton mouths? How harmonious the Sunday political talk shows would be without Senator Lindsey Graham's bluster.

Well, hell, why not let all the red states secede! Everyone knows they want to. Just think of the savings in Tylenol and antacid sales alone. Blue states could block the broadcast of Fox News and Rush Limbaugh; Red states could block MSNBC and kick Al Gore out of Tennessee.

But then there are others who want to preserve the Union at all costs; they are enamored by Charleston's colonial charm and warm Myrtle beaches, and succumb to a vague nostalgia for a supposed family of states... no matter how dysfunctional. Before Abraham Lincoln-like do-gooders start with the puffed-up speeches, we should consider that secession would actually remedy the current (and never-ending) war between conservatives and liberals.

Of course none of these states wants to really go it alone. Like the secession of Confederate states in 1861, they want to team up with other disgruntled Ex-Americans and form another country, perhaps to be "Known as the Former Confederacy" (or KFC, sticking to Colonel Sander's good ole secret ingredients). Geography isn't much of a problem here, since the disgruntled states pretty much are carrying on the tradition of their ancestors.

They form a block in the South and Midwest territories, states that agreed with the original Confederate Constitution that they are to be guided by the power of Almighty God (written before the rising of the Evangelical Bible Belt), to rely on the gold standard (before Ron Paul) and to not raise taxes on plantation owners (before Grover Norquist's no new taxes pledge).

If we observe the Red/Blue state division of America, it's obvious conservative opinions flourish like a contagious disease in warm climates (maybe why they're so hot-headed and John Boehner has that orange complexion) and liberal opinions flourish like a case of chicken pox in cooler climates (maybe why they rely on lawyers and deliberation and Harry Reid does look infected with something). This natural climatic barrier would aid in the separation of the two new countries and define their boundaries -- pretty much along the old Mason/Dixon line (though global warming may threaten border-states like Maryland and Delaware).

A period of amnesty could realign each country. Conservatives who happen to reside in Rhode Island -- that has a state holiday tree that they want to call a Christmas tree -- can migrate to some southern secession state. Liberals who happen to reside in South Carolina and yearn to pay more taxes would happily be accepted in Rhode Island.

Places like Austin, Texas -- which keeps its liberals cool by air conditioning -- would have to immigrate north; just like most residents of New Hampshire would go to the south. Virginia seems to be divided between northern and southern; it may have to split like it did with West Virginia. Liberals who own condos in Florida would have to give them up -- sacrifices would have to be made. The main problem would be liberals on the west coast in northern California, Oregon and Washington state. There would have to be a neutral zone of a highway connecting both Blue coasts that ran right through the Conservative Midwest.

Think of how happy everyone would be. No more arguing, mudslinging, filibusters, or negative ads. Politicians in each country would agree with each other.

Donald Trump could gather up all the Birthers and put his name on a state -- KentuckaTRUMPy or TexTRUMPass -- while franchising hair weave salons featuring his 1950s retro style. Mitt Romney could have all the immigrants self-deport to northern America freeing up tremendous job opportunities in lawn mowing and vegetable harvesting.

There is, owing to the hostility between them, the threat of the two new countries warring with each other. But trade should keep the peace: the north needs the relaxing beaches and produce from the south; and the south needs iPhones from northern California and Viagra from New Jersey.

Our Civil War obviously didn't solve the problems between conservatives and liberals. Conservatives still hate strong federal government and love the NRA, rabble rousers and a privileged class. Liberals still want the government to help the less fortunate and minorities, more than they would do for their own middle class who's footing the bill, and to level the playing field... with artillery if necessary.

We again are at the point where compromise is impossible for each side; like in 1861 when South Carolina seceded. Conservatives fight progress (corporations have always possessed the inalienable right to influence elections); Liberals fight tradition (how can you call a Christmas tree a Christmas tree?). We fight each other, rather than the problems we face.

The only resolution is to let the disgruntled states secede. So I say please, please let them go! Let's not make the same mistake as 1861. Let no Lincoln arise to keep this unhappy, irreconcilable arrangement together; let them go! Just promise they'll take Ann Coulter with them.