Transylvania, late afternoon. A village inn. Jonathan Harker speaks to the innkeeper.
HARKER
I say, I must get to Castle Dracula.
INNKEEPER
Oh, you mustn't go there.
INNKEEPER
In the castle there are vampires. You are a fool who knows nothing of vile creatures that feed on the blood of the living!
HARKER
I am a real estate agent.
INNKEEPER
Oh. I guess you do know.
Midnight, outside Castle Dracula. Harkin knocks on the door. Dracula opens it.
DRACULA
Listen to the children of the night. What music they make!
HARKIN
I don't know the Children of the Night. I'm a Radiohead fan myself.
DRACULA
Listen! The wolves! Hear how they pierce the veil of darkness with their wanton cry!
HARKER
I'd love to be all goth with you, Count Dracula, but we have business to discuss.
DRACULA
Yes, of course, you are here in regard to the sale of Castle Dracula. I trust everything is in order?
HARKER
Everything WAS in order, Count, but that was before the recession.
HARKER
Yes, downturn, debacle, crisis, the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression?
DRACULA
(Muttering) I must have missed it.
HARKER
What do you do all day? Don't you get CNN or MSNBC?
DRACULA
I do not watch...cable. They won't hook it up at night.
HARKER
Count Dracula, when you listed your property with us, you were asking $6.2 million. But then the castle bubble burst. Now you'll be lucky to get $75,000.
DRACULA
I can't afford to pay my mortgage! I can't generate an income. I'm undead.
HARKER
Well, now you're unsolvent.
DRACULA
I am still Dracula, Prince of Darkness! There must be someone I can complain to.
HARKER
There is one. But I wouldn't tangle with her. She knows more and her teeth are sharper.
HARKER
Her name is Suze Orman.
Dracula turns to go back inside. Harker pulls out a wooden hammer.
DRACULA
What are you doing?
HARKER
Sorry, Dracula, but I have other distressed properties to get to -
DRACULA
Noooo! I am a pop culture icon! I inspired Twilight, True Blood, Count Chocula -
Dracula winces as we hear the sound of a wooden stake being pounded. The camera pulls back to reveal what Harker has put into the ground - a sign that says FORECLOSED.
HARKER
Just be out by morning.
Harker exits. One of Dracula's wives comes out.
DRACULA'S WIFE
Shall I make up your coffin?
DRACULA
No, my cherished bride of all that is dark and evil. Better put all the coffins on Craig's List.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.
Sign up for Peacock to stream NBCU shows.