NEW ORLEANS -- Federal officials said that the growing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had poisoned Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea and that last week's drilling rig explosion had damaged his trident.
Poseidon, brother of Zeus and Hades, has been soaked with 210,000 gallons of oil per day. "I'm the god of saltwater, not oil," he complained. "This shit is unbelievable."
Unable to leave his palace made of coral and gems, let alone drive his chariot pulled by giant seahorses, Poseidon surveyed his undersea kingdom while suffering crude oil poisoning, alternating between bouts of vomiting and depression.
The ocean deity brushed off criticism that the disaster was part of his well-known penchant for revenge on humans. "This is all BP's doing," he said. "BP stands for Bastard Petroleum -- not Blame Poseidon."
He said he would be unable to shake sense into the company or anyone else connected to offshore drilling, because his chief implement no longer worked. "Down here, it's trident, baby, trident," he said. "It'll take months to repair."
The aquatic immortal said that despite the disruption to the coastline, the ecosystem and the balance of nature, he had no doubt that BP would restore its name. "They've spilled oil before," he said. "If there's one thing they're good at cleaning up, it's their image."
Poseidon said he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on in his capacity as god of the sea. "I'm thinking I should change my title to god of foreseeable accidents, god of corporate justification or god of unsound energy policy," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get this sludge out of my gill."