12/31/2006 06:54 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fantasy-league New Year's Resolutions for George W. Bush (add your own!)

Seek counseling for untreated alcoholism.

Have a heart-to-heart and a good cry with George, Sr. in order to confront unresolved Oedipal demons.

Lose the fake Texas accent once and for all.

Come clean on the National Guard past and apologize to Dan Rather.

Get the twins to sign up for military service.

Spend some serious time at a soup kitchen, faith-based or not.

Watch An Inconvenient Truth all the way through ten times.

Take a long walk, alone, in Arlington Cemetery.

Repudiate publicly the hateful smear tactics of Karl Rove.

Repudiate publicly the vicious politics of homophobia.

Try being a uniter, not a divider.

Come clean on all of the lies leading up to the Iraq War.

Come clean on all of the ties to Jack Abramoff and Ken Enlay.

Work harder.

Stop blaming everyone else.

Kick out the neo-cons.

Learn the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.

Read the U.S. Constitution.

Read the Geneva Conventions.

Bring the troops home.

Take a long walk, alone, in New Orleans' Lower 9th Ward.

Support stem cell research.

Stop illegal governmental surveillance and eavesdropping.

Find effective ways to improve the security of our ports and borders.

Denounce those who treat immigrants as national scapegoats.

Let go of the delusion that history will somehow vindicate a failed presidency.

Think hard about the Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry line at the end of Magnum Force: "A man's got to know his limitations."

Think about resigning (call it preempting impeachment).