03/21/2014 04:58 pm ET Updated May 21, 2014

12 Things No One Will Tell You, Not Even Your Smartest Friend.

Here now, 12 things no one will tell you. Not even the smartest person you know. That is, until now. You're welcome!

1. What if I needed to eat a banana right this second?

If you only have unripe bananas, you are SOL if you must have it this instance, and refuse to eat it until its skin is the color of the sun, instead of the Geico gekko. However -- the fastest way to ripen a banana is to put it in a paper bag overnight. Bananas ripen thanks to something called ethylene gas, which bananas also produce. By containing the gas emitted by several bananas simultaneously, the entire batch will ripen more quickly.

2. I'm walkin' here. Well, at least I'm trying to.

Pushing the cross walk button is pointless. It's likely not even hooked up to anything. Lights change at crosswalks based on a pre-programmed pattern -- not the whims of anxious pedestrians. The only thing pushing the walk button will do is increase your likelihood of carpet tunnel syndrome.

3. It's not so much the smell... Actually, it is the smell.

Natural fertilizer
-- not synthetic -- will make your plants grow more quickly and healthier and will result in plants having longer, stronger roots. The fast, ready supply of synthetic fertilizer discourages plants from developing strong roots... which over time, will result in healthier, stronger plants.

4. Shut up. Shut up! Shut The F*ck up!! Of course I love you.

The reason you sleep through your own loud snoring is that the part of your brain that would detect the sound is getting rest, as well. In some cases, you also might not hear the snoring if you are black out drunk.

5. Walking & chewing gum doesn't count.

When you multi-task, you do the two or three things you are simultaneously doing much less proficiently than if you had done them separately. For the most part, the brain can only focus on one thing at a time. Don't believe me? Turn on your TV. Loudly. Put on CNN. While staring at Wolf Blitzer, try and say the alphabet backwards. In Hollywood, a person who does several things simultaneously and is oblivious to how poorly they are doing it -- that person is called "your agent." Everywhere else in the world, that person is known as "your spouse."

6. What do you mean 'what am I doing in the shower?" How did YOU get here?

The reason you forget if you just washed your hair while taking a shower is that because washing your hair is a deeply ingrained habit, your brain performs the task on autopilot, so you can use your brain for something else at that moment. So, since you're not paying attention to it, your brain doesn't feel the need to remember it.

7. Don't believe everything you think.

Unless you are regularly driving your hybrid car below 30 miles an hour in stop and go traffic, you are overpaying for a car so people will think you're saving gas, money and the environment, even though you are not. Over 30mph (or so), a hybrid car runs entirely on its gas engine.

8. It's nothing like having filet mignon instead of a burger.

Putting high-octane gas into your car -- to give it a "treat" -- is the equivalent of setting a pile of money on fire. Unless you are driving an expensive, high-performance vehicle, regular octane is more than sufficient.

9. It turns out size doesn't matte

You can not poke a baby in the head if you have sex with your pregnant partner, no matter how large your penis is. Sorry, fellas. HOWEVER, you can jostle the amniotic sac -- which holds the growing baby -- if the shaft of your penis nudges against the cervix. However, this "jostling" is no different from the jostling the baby receives if the mother exercises.

10. I don't care where my seat is, as long as it comes with a parachute.

The safest place to sit on an airplane -- the place where you want to be in the event of an accident or crash -- is in the back of the plane. Meaning, those seats behind the wing. According to the National Safety Council, airplane crashes in which there were survivors, 69% were sitting in the back.

11. "I am not drunk!", the man said to the officer, as he reached for the cop's gun.

Drinking hot coffee or taking a cold shower will not sober you up more quickly. HOWEVER -- there is some evidence that exercise could maybe... possibly... perhaps... just a little bit... sober you up a little, because the vigorous activity may help metabolize the alcohol in your system more quickly.

12. It's not the sex that gets you. It's all the time spent trying to buy it.

Sex before a fight will NOT diminish your fight skills or energy. Because there is testosterone in semen, some people think that diminishing testosterone levels will result in being less strong. In reality, the amount of testosterone lost through ejaculation is basically equivalent to the spilling of one drop from a Big Gulp.

Jon Hotchkiss is the creator of the new 6-hour science TV series, This vs That. He invites you to see the one-hour premiere, FREE.