Really Pro-Life? Ban Masturbation, Require Penis Probes

02/23/2012 09:36 am ET Updated Apr 24, 2012

Yesterday, Democrats in Georgia announced a proposed ban on vasectomies, as a response to the state Republicans' efforts to limit abortion rights. They argued that, if the state had the right to control women's sexual health rights in the "interest" of the rights of unborn children, men should be placed under the same limits.

It was a clever point, to be sure, but I believe that, in light of the national attack on women's reproductive rights, did not go far enough. With Virginia seeking to force vaginal probes on its women and the nation-at-large at war over birth control, it has become clear that every drip of potential life is now legally sacred, and so our next logical step has to be to ban male masturbation.

After all, if contraception catches that life-giving discharge, denying the millions of potential little babies in its stream a chance at conception, isn't it just as bad to release by one's self? And in fact, if, as certain organizations insist, it should only be summoned from its testicular dwelling during acts of true and mutual love, isn't self-love a worse offense than sex?

But here's where it gets tricky. Unfortunately, given the sheer number of heathens now living in America (just as Rick "Satan is coming" Santorum predicted, of course), it'd be hard to live by the honor system on this one. Aside from everyone's grossest frat brother, few people come out and admit it each time they administer self-pleasure. So, just as Virginia is proposing, the state will have to take measures into its own hands.

Now that we've cleared a certain threshold in which probing the most intimate areas can be state-mandated, it should present no legal problem at all to require the urethral probing of adult men. While socks can be hidden and tissues flushed, it would be hard to hide the traces of sperm in the inner tubing leading to the tip of the penis. And to be sure that not a single life is wasted, inserting a probe inside the penis seems like a small sacrifice.

Indeed, we are at a crucial time for the Pro-Life movement. The same tired, one-side propositions aren't enough to gain public support or, most critically, save every possible human life; there are 20 to 150 million sperm in each millimeter of semen, making every stroke a genocide. No, if we're going to be serious about saving every single microscope bead of baby aspiration, we must ban masturbation.

And yes, starring in your own political advertisements counts.