So I am 30... it happened... and while writing my last article on love, life and loss, I had no idea I was going to get a few more lessons on love before I actually turned 30.
Ready, Set, Go... No?
Then pump the breaks!
Like any girl, I am a romantic, and as much as you want that love at first sight moment, I have come to realize that things usually take some time. I have dreamt of that fairy tale moment for years, but I have finally realized the story to that fairy tale ending takes time to create. Everything is easy in the beginning. You are learning about each other, it's exciting, you are experiencing new things together... all while developing a friendship. You wait for the day that some guy says, "I want to do this in two months" or is making plans for your future after a few weeks. Most girls want the guy who you meet and two weeks later is planning your next adventure, three months out. I think it is important for any girl to stop and ask herself, "Do I know enough about this person to be making plans for the future?" At this point, pump the breaks and think! Is this person going to be your partner in crime? If the answer is yes, then push yourself to be as loving and trusting as you can be. Even if that means you get hurt. At that point, it is better to know that you gave everything you could and be proud of your ability to put yourself out there then be the one who holds back and couldn't be there emotionally. Not all humans have this infinite ability to trust, so if the answer is no, then pump the breaks. It's OK if it's not right and it's OK if you need more time. Everyone gets scared at some point. So those guys who are 100 percent in it to win it at the beginning, they too at some point are probably going to want to pump the breaks. You have to realize there are no guarantees. Just because you think you found prince charming, who thinks he knows what he wants, doesn't mean there won't be a day where he wakes up and also says, "Pump the breaks". One day you will be on that road, you gave it all you got, with your partner in crime in the passenger seat and no one will want to pump the breaks. At that point, that "no" will turn into a "yes"!
You can not change anyone. If someone is emotionally unavailable you can not change that. It shouldn't be hard. We can all use our childhood and upbringing to make excuses for our emotional unavailability. Whether we are striving too hard to replicate our parent's perfect relationships or trying too hard to avoid a divorce, none of it should be an excuse for being emotionally unavailable. You have to be the best version of you. You can not avoid or try to replicate someone else's relationship. There is a point where every girl thinks "I can change him," but in reality, you can't. And I don't want to be the one to burst your bubble, but you can't change anyone. I mean really, do you want to be changed? There is the guy who pretends to be emotionally available upfront, but as time passes, you realize that is not the case. There are a ton of people out there who pretend that they are ready, but in reality, they are hanging on to patterns of their past, and that is okay. However, that may not be what you are looking for at the time, and that is okay too. We all have our flaws. There are people who have commitment issues, there are people who have family issues, and there are people who can't be alone. In the end we all have our issues, but do you want someone to try and change you? Probably not, so stop trying to change him. The relationship shouldn't be hard. The right kind of love will make you feel free and safe at the same time. It's this type of love and relationship that will make you a better version of yourself.
You have to love yourself first... it's so easy to fall. I know people have been telling you that your entire life, but it's true. You have to be you. You never know what life is going to hand you, and you can't expect anyone to be there when something does happen. You can hope that the right one will be, but if they're not, and it's just you, you have to be okay with that. I have dealt with breakups during very dark times, and in the end I was left to pick up the pieces by myself, and I was okay with that. You realize what is important, and that is you. I know when it's right, that person will be by my side 100 percent of the time, in sickness and in health, but until then, I choose me. I know life goes on and although it's not always easy, it's always been OK. I think for a long time, I wanted what I wanted to be right for me, not what was really right for me. I wish I wanted the things I needed and deserved, not the things I wanted. I wanted to be taken care of, but throughout my twenties I chose guys who did not know how. I needed a man who was emotionally consistent, but I chose a lot of men whose emotions came and went. I wish I had loved myself more then, but I learned, and it is this lesson that has lead me to know exactly what I want and need at 30.
It's funny, I always laughed when people said, "You want the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot." However, when I got to 30, I realized I want that guy. The guy who can't wait to introduce you to his family and friends. One who is constantly reminding you of how proud he is of you and how lucky his is to have you. The one who turns to his friends and says, "That's her." I want the one who wants to make me part of his life. I want that partner in crime, that best friend who makes me weak at the knees. I spent most of my twenties running from all of that, but I'm positive now, that is exactly what I not only need, but what I want. I want the one who knows it is OK to pump the breaks, but in the end realizes, I am the one for him. More recently I've learned that the only person you can make love you, is you. So love yourself first, and believe you deserve the guy you need, the one that loves you just as much as you love him. I'm still learning, everyday, and that's OK, it's all just part of the process. It is the lessons we learn during this process and journey that prepares us for our forever. So to every young girl remember, life is full of surprises...some good, some bad and some that take your breath away.