So tomorrow is the big day. That's when we go out and vote for a bunch of people who we think are going to suck less than the last people we voted for. But come on, let's be honest -- even the new people we're voting for are eventually going to suck just as much -- if they don't already. Most of them are huge nerds who you would never hang out with in real life. Seriously, would you wanna go have a beer with your Congressman right now? Or buy her a drink (Maxine Waters excepted)? That's what I thought.
But I do love one thing about people in Congress: they do some hilarious stuff.
Remember the story of that guy who was taking money and hiding it in his freezer? That killed me, man. All I kept thinking of was some shady dude taking a bunch of money out of the freezer, handing it to the Congressman and saying "Here's $90,000 in cold hard cash," and the Congressman taking it from him, feeling it and saying "It's not cold enough," and then putting it back in the freezer. Man, I laughed my ass off at that for like two hours when I first heard about it. I was pretty baked at the time, but still. That's some funny shit.
Then there was that other dude in the trench coat and the Indiana Jones hat, Jack what's-his-name. I mean, come on, he looks creepy as hell. You see that dude on the street and you know something's not right. But apparently no one in Congress noticed and they thought that it would be a good idea to take money from him. Oops.
And of course there was that skeezy perv who was trying to hook up with boys or something. Dude, that was not cool. You gotta have a Congressman that you can trust to watch your kids, that's what I always say. And that guy did not qualify as babysitter material. I'm just saying.
So what's a voter to do? Well, I have good news my friend: this year there is a candidate who will not touch your kids. Who will not take money from shady-looking dudes and then hide it in his freezer. Who will not wear stupid-looking trench coats.
That candidate is me.
Now I know what you're saying: dude, are you crazy? Josh Jennings for Congress?
But think about it - I'm just a regular guy who isn't afraid to tell you what I think or take on the tough issues out there. And isn't that really what we need in Congress -- more regular guys and less nerdy losers who didn't even get laid on their wedding night? I thought so.
Plus Keith Olbermann already endorsed me.
Still need convincing? Check out this sweet campaign ad that I made:
So let's do this. Let's rock the House...of Representatives.
Josh Jennings is a write-in candidate for Congress. (He also has an application in at Subway.) He currently resides with his parents and sleeps on the couch in their basement. To see his other campaign spots, click here.