Did you ever have a really good friendship where everything was just rolling along until one day you hit an impasse that you couldn't seem to get past? I've been hearing a lot of stories like this lately and have had my fair share as well. So let's take a look at what could be happening and the options for resolution.
Many of us suffer from the faulty assumption that others -- particularly those we befriend -- are "just like me." We think that because things go smoothly between us they must therefore think like us, process their emotions like us, and share our most cherished beliefs and values. Not so! And therein lies one of the biggest challenges in friendships. Coming to terms with the "otherness" of your friend -- especially those parts you find undesirable -- can be the hardest, yet most rewarding part and the source of some of life's greatest lessons.
I've learned that when a big problem surfaces in a friendship, I need to raise my consciousness above the level of "I said, they said" where I am blaming and judging one of us -- usually the other person because that's the territory of the ego. I want to lift to a higher place where I have enough altitude to see the bigger picture we find ourselves in. That's where I can find compassion for us both struggling to find some solid ground and where it is possible to remind myself what has been good and abiding between us. That's where I can see that we all just want to be loved and to matter to each other. When I get to that place, I can usually let go of my judgments and hurt feelings and figure out how I want to move forward in terms of the other person. It is also from this higher perspective that I can see and learn from whatever life lessons the situation has brought my way. However, it can take me a long time to get there because my ego can be quite tenacious at times.
Here are some guidelines for getting through the territory of the ego:
- Whatever level your discomfort is on (mind or emotions), go to the other level to work it out. For example, if your mind is saying, "She has some nerve suggesting I would ever..." then ask yourself, "How does this make me feel?" Alternatively, if you find yourself feeling really sad and bewildered by what has happened, ask yourself, "What do I think happened here?"
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.
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