THE BLOG
11/10/2014 03:45 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

New York City Needs Porn (and a Little More Crime.)

To quote famous New Yorker James E. McMillen III, "THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!"

Los Angeles put a condom rule in place that just does not work for the porn industry. They left in droves. Pornographers, it is time to concentrate in NY. The rent is too high, but we need you. We have a lot to offer, we keep our pubes and far fewer women are made out of plastic. Pretend it's 1972 and film your exteriors in the Bronx. It can work. Not that you need scripts, but we still have writers and working for you can allow them to afford their association fees that are easily as high as rent -- too damn high. Concentrate your operations in the Lower East Side, see...

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If you need reading glasses go get them.

Seventy-one percent of the Lower East Side identifies as Republican. Can you see why you are needed desperately?

People are protesting new businesses with regularity because it might cause noise, it might bring the wrong people. Seriously New York used to be made of all the wrong people. That is why we love it.

Oh, and Taylor Swift is our new Spokesperson. The 'Welcome Director'. Taylor f*****g Swift. She got here like two minutes ago. We don't welcome people, we let them carve out a niche, earn our respect. She is to New York what the Olive Garden is to Italian Food.

I am not looking for violent crime, just some scary stuff to move the Republicans back to where they came from (where did they come from?). Could the Mob help here? Or has Tony Soprano made even the mob too warm and cuddly? Could the Mob at least scare Taylor Swift away? She was like, two when that show was on the air.

The rich white scary people are taking over and that's not okay.

We need actors and artists and bars that are too loud and do attract the wrong kind of people.

We don't work out at Reebok, we work out at NY Sports because they are everywhere and you can't make any excuses for missing your exercise.

Do you want to know how bad it really is?

The Edison Cafe is being thrown out of the Edison Hotel. One of those rare places in Midtown where you could get eggs at any time you wanted. I can get two poached eggs for four bucks. A perfect pre-show light meal. Even the New York Times is in mourning.

Porn people, just slightly insane people, socialists, drag queens, artists, writers, actors without trust funds or parental support, we need you; we need you all. Rent is too damn high and unless we get rid of those rich scary white Republicans, it's gonna get worse.

I will be your welcome community and I promise you will never have to meet Taylor Swift.