THE BLOG
03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Tiger Woods: Get Thee to a Nunnery to Mend Your Swinging Ways!

Anyone who has ever been caught with his pants down knows it's easier to look up to Jesus than it is to squat down into a lotus position. So Brit Hume, Fox News commentator and moonlighting theologian, is urging the troubled Tiger Woods to mend his skirt-chasing and om-chanting ways by embracing Christ. On Fox News Sunday, Hume preached :

The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith... He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'

Hume knows a thing or too about redemption. After all, he is a recovering sinner himself, having once been divorced and -- even worse -- a liberal. But the now-remarried conservative has seen the light. If Woods would accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, Hume and the entire Christian world would accept this glorious golfer and forgive his swinging tendencies.

Tiger, you'll be happy to know that it's not only politicians who get to sin with one hand and cross themselves with the other. You won't be the odd man out if you convert. You would be in great company, joining a brotherhood of athletes whose fouls meet no penalties. You may have lost some endorsements, but you can represent the best brand ever!

I hereby now induct thee into the Christian-sinner-Sports Hall of Fame! Where you will break bread with:

  • Carl Everett. This former Major League outfielder won't be outsmarted by the dinosaurist agenda: "God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve." Everett continues his exacting biblical exegesis explaining,"The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex." Touche. Everett strikes out the alleged "evidence" of dinosaur fossils, which he dismisses as "made by man." He does, however concede that man may have walked on the moon: "it's possible." So Christ forgives him when he gets into shouting matches, grabs his crotch, nose-bumps, says he thrives on being hated, and is charged with child abuse.
  • Jeff Gordon. NASCAR star and Winston Cup winner, "is to stock-car racing as Tiger Woods is to golf: young, handsome, fiercely competitive -- and putting his sport in the spotlight." But unlike Woods, Gordon spends every night before a race studying the Bible. He drives with a passage of Scripture taped to his steering wheel, studying it at pit stops. "They're always different," he says, and they remind him that "I'm able ... to overcome anything." Surely Christ can overcome -- or overlook -- Gordon's "marital misconduct" with an exotic dancer/ occasional Bay Watch star-turned-department store cosmetics saleswoman-turned-Playboy model, which his wife would later cite in her divorce papers.
  • Evander Holyfield. As the holy Holyfield explained "There is no way I cannot win. I believe in God, so I will surely beat Tyson.... Well, you know, I'm led by the Holy Spirit, so whatever I do, I know I will have enough to win." It must have been the satanic spirit, then, that led Tyson to do to Holyfield's ear what Eve did to the apple in Eden. Since Tyson was a member of the nation of Islam, the bite may have represented the way holy war between Christianity and Islam. Either way, Holyfield continues to listen to the Lord (from His lips to Evander's lone ear.) So he's forgiven when doesn't pay child support, cheats on his wives, and has children outside of holy matrimony (he estimates 9). The Lord understands that Holyfield is just seeding God's world, and following his order to "be fruitful and multiply."
  • Andy Pettitte. The NY Yankees pitcher writes in his spiritual treatise Strike Zone: Targeting a Life of Intregrity and Purity, "As a Christian I also have one goal. I want to fulfill God's purpose for my life. I constantly ask myself 'What does God want me to do?' and 'Where does He want me to go?'" Somehow Pettitte made a petite erreur and thought God wanted him to take Human Growth Hormone. But this Christian zealot can surely be forgiven for his overzealous use of performance enhancing drugs and lying. After all, he only claimed to be targeting a life of integrity and purity, not hitting said target.
  • Deion Sanders. Humbly referring to himself in the third person, the football and baseball wonder writes in his born-again memoir Power, Money & Sex that "He loves the Lord with all his heart," and, in a particularly heart-warming passage, "is covered by the blood of Jesus." His faith is so great that he paid only1,500 on a4,265.57 car repair bill because, as he told the mechanic, "Praise Jesus ... I follow what in my heart I'm told to pay.'' In exchange for the praise, Christ, Sanders' financial adviser, forgives the bi-ball star's drug abuse, philandering, assaulting fans, depleting his children's trust fund, and wife-battering.

So, Tiger, follow the advice of Brother Brit. Embrace Christ like these fellow athletes, whose sinning never gets in the way of their faith and whose faith never gets in the way of their fun! Just Say No to Nirvana and Yes to Deliverance.