03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Unemployment: 10% in 2010!

Just in case you thought job loss was "probably not happening anymore," a government report was released on Friday, January 8, stating that the economy lost 85,000 jobs in December, keeping the unemployment rate at 10%. This, of course, leads everyone to ask: Who the heck was supposed to be watching all the jobs?

Listen, no one knows whose turn it was to watch the jobs. That's probably how this whole thing got screwed up in the first place, so let's just forget about it and move on. The fact is, the jobs are gone. Your job is gone. You are jobless. Not a big deal.

When you don't have a job, you have limitless possibilities. You get up in the morning and ask yourself, "What can I do today?" And the answer is, "Anything except go to work."

It just happens that, although I am far too talented to be unemployed myself, I have become somewhat of an expert in the field of unemployment. How did I become such an expert? I don't know, you tell me.

In order to help you out with your stay in the field of unemployment, I've put together a list of things you can do to help pass the time during which you aren't going to work. How did I find the time to put together such a great list, not being unemployed myself? I'll tell you how: Easily, it's a short list.

1. Buy a New Bed: You're going to be doing a lot of sleeping now that you're unemployed and, most likely, depressed. So the first thing you should do is buy a new bed. And anyway, how are you supposed to be expected to search for a new job if you're not well rested?

2. Buy a New TV: You're going to be doing a lot of TV watching now that you're unemployed. A new TV would make your viewing much more efficient and enjoyable. You'd be foolish not to do it.

3. Buy Some New Clothes: Being unemployed is a real self-esteem killer. What better way to build yourself back up than with some fashionable new outfits? Plus, no one's going to employ anyone is last season's whatever.

4. Buy Some Blu-Ray DVDs: Sometimes during the day there are only a few good things on TV. Now I'm not saying go out and buy a Blu-Ray DVD player along with them, duh, because as I understand it the Playstation 3 already functions as one. Of course you'll have to buy a Playstation 3.

5. Buy a Career Book: That is, a book that lists a bunch of potential careers you can have. These exist, I assume. Get the biggest one you can find and leave it on a table in your house. Check it out sometime.

6. Buy a New Computer: Lots of jobs today are found through use of the Internet, which can be accessed best with a new computer. You would be remiss to attempt a career search on whatever old piece of machinery you happen to have lying around today.

7. Buy a Pet: Having something that relies on you completely is just like having a job. My ex-boyfriend used to tell me this all the time.

8. Buy a Violin: Developing some new hobbies will take your mind off how you are contributing nothing to society and are a strain, both emotionally and monetarily, on all of your friends and family. Also buy violin lessons because you can't really teach yourself how to play violin I don't think.

9. Update Your Resume: Include the violin and the pet.

10. Send Your Resume to Some Places: I guess. Not like it's going to do any good.

Originally published at