I saw a number of on-air promos for CBS' Monday night comedy block. Based on the content and what they were clearly selling, I thought back to the golden age of CBS comedy and wondered what a typical promo for their Saturday night line-up would be like were those shows on the Big Eye today.
******
INT. BUNKER LIVING ROOM - DAY
ANNOUNCER (VO - BRIGHT)
Saturday is a night of laughs on CBS. First, on All in the Family, not everything is Bunker-dory...
Archie in his chair. A concerned Michael is holding the front of his pants out and staring down at his crotch. Gloria enters.
GLORIA
Michael, what are you doing?
ARCHIE
There's something wrong with the Meathead's meat head.
(HUGE LAUGH)
MICHAEL
It's all red.
(HUGE LAUGH)
GLORIA
Let me see.
She peers down his pants.
GLORIA
That's just my lipstick.
ARCHIE
Oh Jeeez!
(HUGE GIANT ENORMOUS LAUGH)
CUT TO:
INT. MESS TENT - DAY (BLACK & WHITE)
ANNOUNCER (VO - SOMBER)
And then... on a very special MASH...
Father Mulcahy talking to off-stage reporter.
FATHER MULCAHY
When the doctors are operating and it's cold, like it is now, here today, sometimes the doctors will warm their hands over the body. Can anyone look at that and not say...Wow, we have the HOTTEST PATIENTS IN KOREA!? Wooooooo!! Suit up!!
(HUGE CANNED LAUGH)
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
ANNOUNCER (VO - SUGGESTIVE)
Then on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda gives Mary advice on how to get through those cold Minneapolis nights.
RHODA
Mair, we gotta get you laid.
(HUGE LAUGH)
MARY
Rho-da!
RHODA
You know I live vicariously through you, and at the moment I'm very horny.
(HUGE LAUGH)
MARY
Rhoda, that's terrible.
RHODA
I don't need to hear the details. Just -- you were in bed, you did it. Actually, those probably are the details. I'll add "had an orgasm" for myself.
(HUGE THUNDEROUS LAUGH)
CUT TO:
INT. DR. HARTLEY'S OFFICE - DAY
ANNOUNCER (VO)
And finally, what happens when Bob starts a sexual addiction group on the Bob Newhart Show?
MR. CARLIN
Your wife has a vagina, right, Dr. Hartley?
(HUGE LAUGH)
BOB
Well...uh, yes...yes, sh-she does.
MR. CARLIN
What does it look like?
(HUGE LAUGH)
MR. CARLIN
Can you describe it? Peterson's never seen one.
(HUGE LAUGH)
BOB
He hasn't. Well, uh...(CALLING) Carol, could you come in here for a ..a...minute?
(SPASMS OF LAUGHTER)
CUT TO:
INT. SET - DAY
Big CBS logo against a white backdrop behind Klinger, who wears just bra and panties and is waving to the camera with a shit-eatin' grin.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
That's this Saturday on CBS, the "Tiffany Network"!!
You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com