01/30/2008 08:27 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Your Cliff Notes for Lost

My favorite show, Lost returns this week. It's people stranded on a tropical island without Jeff Probst saying, "Wanna know what you're playing for?" But since Lost is an ongoing serialized adventure, if you haven't been watching you might be a little, well...lost. So allow me to get you up to speed.


JACK (Matthew Fox) - A handsome doctor who the castaways look up to, not because of his leadership ability but because the actor has a feature career. He's verrrry serious. A joint the size of a piñata would do him a world of good.

KATE (Evangeline Lilly) -- Hot brunette. Killed her boyfriend. I would still date her in a second, even if she wants to go to a gun show.

JOHN (Terry O'Quinn) - Miraculously able to walk on the island. Yet still parks in handi-capped zones. Very mystical. Good candidate for Scientology.

SAWYER (Josh Holloway) - The good looking bad boy. Edgy. Dangerous. Defiant. Every girl wants him when he's 20. When he's 50 and living in a trailer park, he's lucky if Bea Arthur gives him a second look.

SAYID (Naveen Andrews) - The one terrorist who tests well.

HURLEY (Jorge Garcia) - Fat guy/comic relief/castaway mascot. Keeps things loose 'round camp when people are kidnapped or eaten by animals.

SUN (Yunjin Kim) - Korean married to Jin. Pregnant. There's a slight
chance that it's her husband's baby. Can speak in English or Korean

JIN (Daniel Dae Kim) - Korean married to Sun. Outsider of the group
because he can't speak English, has no personality, and never needs to

CHARLIE (Dominic Monaghan) - Dead. So much for the Charlie spin-off.

CLAIRE (Emilie de Ravin) - Had a baby on the island. Still better than a Kaiser hospital. Is really Jack's sister but neither of them knows that. Should they ever have a romance and get married the island will be renamed West Virginia.

DESMOND (Henry Ian Cusick) - The character they added that no one likes. Has a Scottish accent. Calls everyone "brother." Has premonitions. Likes the Patriots on Sunday but says "take the points, brother."

BENJAMIN (Michael Emerson) - The leader of "the Others" (another group of island inhabitants. They resent the castaways for calling them "the Others" when they were there first. As a result, want to kill everyone.) If Harold from Harold & Maude grew up, moved to the tropics, and went off his meds he'd be Ben.

JULIET (Elizabeth Mitchell) - Fertility doctor from Portland, Oregon, recruited by the Others. Once she got to the island she realized, "Hey, this isn't the Mayo Clinic!" Still not the worst career move she's made. She played Mrs. Clause to Tim Allen in the last two installments of the Santa Claus trilogy.


In a flash forward we just learned that Jack and Kate have gotten off the island and have returned to civilization. He's now a suicidal drunk and she's Venom on American Gladiators. At the end of last season Jack tells her they've got to go back. Good luck finding another flight that plans to crash there.

Meanwhile, on the island we're introduced to yet a new group of folks -- the Freighter People (alternate name: The Other Others). They've arrived to either rescue our castaways or use them as pawns in some insidious plan, the purpose of which will be clearly explained in 50 more episodes. Which one do you think? But knowing Lost whatever we expect they will do something different, fresh and shocking, and we will be in for another great ride.

So pack up, Kate. Jack's right. It is time to go back.

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