01/07/2014 07:03 am ET Updated Mar 09, 2014

Sex In The Bermuda Triangle

Not The Maritime Or Anatomical
There are three Bermuda Triangles boomer men can get lost in. The first is in the Atlantic Ocean. The second is a crude reference to a part of a woman's anatomy some men insist they routinely get lost in. The third is boomer dating, the subject of this article, and the three legs are boomer women, casual sex, and myopic expectations. The number of comments from women dating clients and Huff/Post 50 women readers regarding first date sexual pressure suggest some boomer guy's brain synapses are misfiring.

A Knuckle Dragger
A case in point is the purported boomer who recently commented about his scoring system in response to an article about dating. It's based on the number of dates (3) he's willing to go on with a woman without sex before dumping her. What a guy! He's a throwback to the 60s when sex was mostly casual and rarely meaningful. I would have thought that five decades later every boomer guy understood and accepted that first date sex is no longer on a boomer woman's menu. Scoring is about getting off not making love. Every boomer woman knows the difference and nearly all prefer making love.

Guys Who Live On Another Planet
First date sex expectations have created conflict where none is needed, and it's caused boomer women to feel wary about dating. Adding insult to injury, women get labeled bitter and angry for being in integrity with themselves. For guys who insist they don't get this, give me a moment. You really don't understand why an empowered sixty something woman who helped us end a war, fought for her legal rights, had a career, raised our kids often as single moms, and spent a lifetime building a network of close, supportive friends isn't flattered by your invitation to sexually satisfy a total stranger? Sure you do, you understand perfectly. You just don't respect women.

No More Rocket Rides
When sex begins too early it becomes the relationship's raison d'etre, and consumes most of the relationship's energy. The result is that the getting to know you process, a critical aspect of dating, comes to a screeching halt. Not surprisingly, these relationships typically end a few months later when the realities about each other become clear. This isn't a boomer woman's first rodeo, and after a number of sexual rocket rides that crashed and burned, first date sex is a non-starter. Their position deserves respect not disdain.

A Howard Stern Delight
A man who doesn't understand a boomer woman's attitude about first date sex had to be unconscious for the last several decades to have missed the ubiquitous dating and relationship information available in books, magazines, television, and movies. Missing all of these qualifies as extraordinary avoidance behavior about women worthy of a Howard Stern interview.

One of my clients dated a fellow who pushed for sex from the first date. His argument was that sex is a part of dating. No guy, sex isn't a part of dating for a woman who's not ready for it, and who prefers sex in the context of a relationship with a shared emotional bond. It's a desperate argument that entirely discounts a woman's feelings and sense of safety.

Casual Sex Is Just Okay
What boomer women know, and what the majority of boomer men also know, is that casual sex never reaches the heights of pleasure of making love because the best sex depends on trust. There's always some amount of holding back in casual sex because of the absence of trust. Neither partner's heart is open to all the sexual possibilities absent trust and love. Don't agree? Ask a woman friend.

A Little Patience
It's understandable why a boomer guy recently out of a long-term relationship is anxious to become sexual again. Most failed marriages ceased being sexual long before ending, and the desire to feel like a sexual man again is primal. But if a guy managed without sex for months or even years in a failed marriage, surely he can wait until the woman he's dating feels emotionally ready for intimacy. When love and trust are established the promise of better sex is real.

Love Takes Courage
Granted, falling in love is a leap of faith and can be a particularly scary prospect for a guy who's been hurt in the past. But if a man musters the courage to open his heart and trust, chances are he'll be smiling in and out of bed for decades to come.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Most Common Sex Myths About Boomers