Dating after divorce can seem overwhelming. It may have been a decade or more since you've been "out there," and you may feel confused or downright clueless about how to get your game back to attract new women into your world. Though you may feel nervous at first, you may find that it is even easier than before because you are now older, wiser and closer to knowing what you want. You just need a few tools to use to attract that perfect woman.
Overall, the secret to attracting anyone in your life is feeling good about yourself and projecting it outward. Here are answers to some commonly asked dating questions:
What should I wear on a date?
If a man is wearing something he feels good in, he is going to come across as a confident, successful alpha man, which is what women like. Wear clothes that are:
• Updated, stylish, comfortable and that fit your body well
• Those you wish you could wear every day
• Age and occasion appropriate
• Really express your personality
• Clean, well pressed and in good condition
• Colors that flatter your skin tone
• Polished, updated shoes
• Quality fabrics that don't cling, pucker or pull
You may want to find a stylist or a savvy female friend to help guide you.
What about hygiene?
Grooming is extremely important, as women really pay attention to this. Your ex-wife might have forgiven the over-grown and unruly hairs but it is not so appealing to a new prospective mate. Make sure your facial hair is neatly groomed, your hair is styled, your nails are short and your skin looks nice. It helps if you smell nice too. Don't pour the bottle of cologne on or you'll suffocate her. Instead, you should smell fresh and clean with maybe a dab of tasteful cologne. Women like men who take care of themselves.
How should I approach women?
Most men feel uncomfortable when first approaching an attractive woman. This usually stems from being nervous about saying the wrong thing and fear of rejection. Get out of your head. Just be in the moment and talk with her. Don't just talk about yourself. Ask questions about her life. One common mistake is trying too hard and being very serious when talking with women. It can almost feel more like an interview with memorized canned questions rather than an easy conversation. Be more playful and mix it up a bit to enjoy the new you and you'll see how easy it is to create attraction. Most women love when you give them attention, especially if you say things in an authentic way. The truth of the matter is that your "dating muscle" is atrophied after not using it for a while, so you have to exercise it and get it back in action. One way to do this is to get comfortable approaching everyone when you are out and about. Approach at least three people (both men and women) a day during your daily routine. Give compliments to people you meet. Women love when you notice something about them. After doing several approaches a day, it will get a lot easier and feel more natural.
How can I build a new social circle?
It is true that you did a lot of "married" activities with your ex-wife as a couple. Often your friends change as you step into the single world. Not only do you do things solo, but different activities may interest you now. The most important thing is to find other single friends you can do things with. It will open up your world and create new possibilities for meeting women. Explore several avenues by getting involved in networking groups, single events, outdoor group gatherings, regular trips to the gym and more. If you are having a difficult time knowing what to get involved in, think about three skills or hobbies you have or want to learn more about and research groups that relate to them. Discover what makes you tick and you'll build your social circle with other like-minded singles.
How can I overcome the divorce stigma?
Men often think they are painted with a scarlet letter once they are divorced. Actually, many women say that they prefer a divorced man because they like the fact that he has been in a long term relationship before and knows how to share with a partner. Marriage teaches you how to compromise, how to be more giving and how to understand women's needs. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you have some sort of disease. Remember, over 50 percent of the population is in the same boat, so you are not alone. Instead, own who you are and enjoy your newfound freedom. This is your time to start over, enjoy yourself and have fun.
Although starting over can be intimidating and a little scary, it can actually be freeing and exciting as you embark upon a new adventure. This is your chance to explore the world and meet various women. By doing this, you'll discover who you are separate from the woman you were with for many years and find out what you would like and need in a future relationship. Remember, the dating road is not a dead end; it's an avenue to an exhilarating new journey.
Kimberly Seltzer LCSW is a Therapist, Matchmaker, Personal Image Expert and Dating Coach at The Art of Charm.