THE BLOG
10/23/2014 03:02 pm ET Updated Dec 23, 2014

Our Inherent Resolve to Name the Campaign Against ISIS

The Pentagon -- A Meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
(Names have been redacted for national security reasons)

--"Gentlemen, thanks for joining us on such short notice..."

(Coughing sound)

--"Oh. Sorry. Ladies and gentlemen. Team. As you know, we have been tasked by POTUS with coming up with a new nickname for our operation against the Islamic State militants in Iraq and Syria. The name we select will bolster public support for our operation and help build credibility around the world. The previous name we recommended, "Operation Inherent Resolve," is still under review. Since this is a brainstorming session, all ideas are on the table. Let's proceed."

--"Sir, how about Desert Stream?"

--"Not bad. Granted, it's not as robust sounding as Desert Storm or Desert Shield, but still evokes our continuing resolve in that troubled region. Plus, the younger generation may equate it with Internet streaming services like Netflix. I like it. Any other ideas?"

--"What about Legion of Boom, sir?"

--"Nice imagery, but probably too aggressive for POTUS. Doesn't it sound a bit like a Marvel comic book?"

--"Sir, it's the nickname for the Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks. They're known for their crushing defense..."

--"Yeah, but the Seahawks aren't doing as well this year, are they? What kind of message would that send to our allies? You know how poorly Super Bowl teams do repeating the following year. No, we need a name that's more inherent of victory and resolve. Next."

--"Sir, what about Guardians of the Galaxy?"

--"Interesting. It certainly has flair, and conveys our effort to organize a global long-term military campaign. I like it."

--"It was the name of a popular Marvel action movie earlier this year, Sir. I believe it did especially well at the box office in our coalition countries of Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates."

--"Good thinking. Anything to shore up our allies. I'll make a note of it. Next."

--"Sir, how about The Life You Want?"

--The chairman rolls his eyes.

--"Sounds a bit... umm... new age-y, doesn't it?"

--"Yes, sir, but I believe it will help bring our story and vision to life. Perhaps it will even work as a transformational message for every person in ISIS?"

--"Duly noted. Next."

--"What about Conscious Coupling, Sir?"

(The chairman's eyes twitch noticeably)

--"What the hell kind of name...? Sorry. Please explain."

--"Sir, it plays on a term 'Conscious Uncoupling' used by the actress Gwyneth Paltrow after her mutual decision to divorce Chris Martin, the lead singer of the rock band Coldplay. It evokes our conscious resolve to work with our coalition partners in a humanistic and holistic way to reach a favorable result against ISIS."

--"OK! OK! I get it, sort of. I'm sure POTUS will take that one under special consideration. Any other ideas?"

"Sir, what about It's Not About the Oil, Stupid?"

--The Chairman's nostrils flare.

--"Did you just call me stupid?"

--"Oh, no, Sir! I just thought it would send a message to our allies and the world that our true intentions are to help the Iraqis, the Kurds and the free-Syrians in their conflict against ISIS. Remember the term, KISS, sir? Keep It Simple, Stupid?"

The chairman briefly shuts his eyes and his face turns red

--"Yes, I recall that term."

--"Well, It's Not About the Oil, Stupid would have the acronym INATOS, signifying that it's all about our NATO partners and not the oil. Get it?"

--"Thanks for the explanation. I'll add it to the list. I think it's time we take a short break."