Whoa, girl! You really know how to drop a bomb. Everyone is still talking about that HR memo. I'm sure you're like, "Hey can we move on and start making some money now, people?!"
I'm totally with you, Ms. Mayer. Totally! I mean, we really need to tighten things up around here, get those lazy butts in seats. I'm a little bummed that my view of the parking lot will now be blocked by the guy across the hall -- the one with the sweet window office -- who hasn't been in for the last six months. But if innovation comes without access to direct sunlight, then I won't complain. I am ALL in!
Let me also just say that I think those who've dubbed you "the Stalin of Silicon Valley" are completely out of line. I mean, that's an insult to Stalin. He was way, way worse than you are. And, really, is being forced to work in your office really like the Great Purge? At least we get free lunch at Yahoo. Am I right? If we were face-to-face right now, we could fist-bump to that one.
Now that we'll all be in the office, we can fist-bump all the time!
There's just one thing I wanted to ask you about. It's a family issue. And I know how important family is to you because you built an on-site nursery for your son -- who, by the way, is adorable and SO smart. Just like his mom!
So here goes: I'm a solo single parent. I have a 6-year-old daughter who I adore probably as much as you adore your son. You've totally inspired me to become a CEO, though, so I can bring her to work and have her privately schooled on site while I work.
But until that happens (you can laugh at THAT idea now!), I sometimes have to work from home when she's sick. She's a pretty healthy kid, though, so I promise it won't happen too much. Seriously, I can count on one hand how many times she's missed school in the last two years. And as long as her fever isn't too high, I can usually dose her with Tylenol long enough to make it into the office for a few hours before the school nurse calls demanding that I pick her up.
I will definitely use the company's backup child care option, but -- and I hate to complain -- it gets expensive. And when yours is the only income, child care really adds up, not to mention sometimes a sick kid just wants to be with her mom.
Also, I occasionally volunteer in her classroom. Research shows that kids whose parents participate in their learning do better in school. I know you're a data-driven decision-making kind of gal, so you can appreciate that one. Virtual fist-bump!
And just so you know, I'm a pretty decent performer. I'm actually one of those people who's in the office every day, not one of those slackers you're hoping to drive out of the fold. I actually like coming to work!
So I'm hoping you might make exceptions to the new policy in cases like these. And if not, then I get that too. We working gals can't sacrifice getting ahead to take care of family needs, can we? So if keeping my job means my daughter has to raise herself, I am ready to take that for the team!
Thanks for listening, Ms. M!
*An imaginary Yahoo employee
**Parody: A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule.