THE BLOG
01/14/2015 09:32 am ET Updated Mar 15, 2015

The 2 Best Ways to Know If a Man Is Using You for Sex (or You're Using Him)

Sex is great when two people approach it honestly for love or for recreation. But when one person's only agenda is to use the other for sexual gratification or out of their own dysfunction, the result is likely to lead to hurt and disappointment. There is a time in your life when you're especially likely to draw someone to you who will use you for sex. It is when you may also discover that your sexual behavior is sabotaging your relationships.

That time is when Pluto transits your 8th or 12th House. When these transits occur you may realize that your unconscious motivations are at the root of your unsuccessful relationship experiences.

In a positive way, these transits can also help you come to grips with your own obsessive, compulsive, or even addictive behavior - and confront it. Pluto's influence may force you to overcome it. But the darker possibilities are that you may also draw a relationship into your life with someone who is dealing with their own sexually addictive behavior. Or, you may finally realize that it is your sexual behavior that gets in the way of having healthy romantic relationships.

Does Sex Happen Right Away?

The big question to ask if you frequently have relationships that start off intense and sexual but go nowhere is: why does this pattern occur so often? The answer maybe because you're under the influence of a Pluto transit. Ask yourself what is your sexual behavior in relationships? What is the sexual behavior of the men (women) you typically date? Even if you see a pattern that you know is destructive, it may prove difficult to change it.

During these transits, you find that your conscious attempts to change, are undermined by unconsciously motivated actions that end up subverting you. You become frustrated because, despite your sincere efforts - you aren't able to control certain behaviors, as you notice things not working out the way you intended. That's when you finally admit to yourself, "I give into my sexual impulses and say yes when I planned to say no," or "I know I dress like a seductress to attract a man because I'm not sure I could attract him otherwise," Or, "I'll say anything to a woman, if it will help me get laid." As a result, you feel powerless to change a part of your personality that is unhealthy or unproductive and that seems to draw men into your life who use you.

A Pluto transit gives you the opportunity to confront unconscious behavior that has produced negative results in your life. This behavior may have originated during your childhood, only to cause you problems and upsets in your relationships as an adult. However, now you'll finally be able to purge it from your personality so it can be replaced with a new way of behaving. But to accomplish this transformation, you must get to the root of why you've behaved this way in the first place. This isn't always easy, as a client of mine found out.

Are You a Seductress or Seducer?

She is a very beautiful young woman and easily attracts men with her intense personality, feminine body and seductive magnetism. Despite the many men she goes out with, she seldom has more than one or two dates with any of them. When she first goes out with them, they're extremely responsive and totally bewitched by her. Their strong romantic interest makes her feel sure that having sex right way is the perfect thing to do. Then, the next few dates that follow always seem to be about enjoying their physical connection. They don't seem to want to get to know her as a person - only sex. Eventually, they don't call again and she realizes they were only interested in "one thing!" She feels used.

To change this pattern, she tries to move slower and not become sexual too soon. But she ends up forgetting her intention and screwing things up by repeatedly going back to her old patterns. A case in point was her last dating experience with a man she met at a party. She was really attracted to his personality, character and appearance. He looked like the kind of man she might be able to enjoy a serious relationship, not just a one-night stand. So, she wanted to avoid sending out her usual sexual messages, promising herself she'd focus on letting them both get to know each other first.

The first dinner date went well and she felt in control of herself. On the next two dates with him, she made sure not to be alone with him, fearing she would come on, too seductively. This strategy worked because they were having a nice time getting to know each other. Then, on their next date, they were having such a great time that she didn't want the evening to end. She decided to invite him to her apartment.

She felt sure she was in control and able to stop herself from behaving seductively and having sex. So, she made it clear to him she just wanted to have a quick nightcap, enjoy a glass of wine and then go to bed early. She confided to him that she wanted to go slowly before becoming more intimate. He acknowledged he understood and made her feel comfortable that he would respect her wishes.

But as she sat on the couch close to him, something changed as she felt a real sexual attraction for him, no longer caring about her pledge to herself or her words to him. All she could think about was, "I know how to make this man fall in love with me." She impulsively leaned over to kiss him. Before she knew it, her clothes were on the floor and she was locked into passionate lovemaking.

When they were done, he said it was getting late and he had to wake up early. He politely said he would call her the next day. As the young man left, she asked herself, "What happened? I knew how I wanted to behave and not have sex; yet I couldn't control myself."

This woman experienced the power of Pluto's unconscious energy to interfere with her conscious intentions, especially because she was unaware of the psychological issues driving her behavior. Her low self-esteem was what caused her to think that the only way to attract a man was by offering him sex. She believed that by sexually gratifying him, he would fall in love with her. If she wants to really change her deep-seated behavior, she'll most likely require professional assistance.

Pluto's influence makes it possible for you to understand the hidden side of your personality. It's important to recognize that its energies can also activate the dark side of your nature. I consult with many clients who are sure - because they intellectually are aware of their bad behavior, they can now regulate their problem and remedy it. Most of the time, they are as powerless to control it as this woman was. The reason they fail is because their behavior emanates from their unconscious. Therefore, correcting it requires going to the root of the problem, not trying to resolve it just on a mental level.

Pluto's influence offers you the potential to transform yourself in a deep and profound way. When it transits your 8th or 12th House, it may give you an awareness of how your sexual behavior has caused your relationships or actions to succeed or fail. This provides you with the opportunity to confront your feelings and emotions so you have a better understanding of how they have positively or negatively affected your relationships. Then you can consider if you need to make any radical changes in your behavior or if you need professional help to assist you.

Find out if your transiting Pluto is affecting your sexuality and your relationships by going to the to the Free Transit Calculator and enter your birth date. And, if you're curious to learn more about your personal Horoscope in 2015 and what it says about your love relationships, career, investments and health: Order your customized Report: Your Horoscope & Future in 2015.

Larry Schwimmer is an astrologer in private practice. For private consultations on your compatibility with someone, contact him at: Larry@astrodecision.com or go to www.AstroDecision.com

Read Larry Schwimmer's latest books, What the Hell is Going On in My Life? Using Your Birthdate to Find Answers About Relationships, Career, Money, Sex & Health;and How To Ask For A Raise Without Getting Fired - And 24 Other Techniques For Resolving Conflicts At Work & In Life; and Winning Your Next Promotion In One Year (Or Less!).

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Larry Schwimmer is president of Astrodecision.com, a San Francisco-based consulting company. The firm uses planetary cycles analysis to counsel individual and corporate clients on picking the "best dates" to make successful decisions of all types: personal, marketing, financial, and political. The firm currently advises a diverse client base that includes politicians, presidents of major corporations and an MLB baseball team. Schwimmer is an internationally known business consultant, life coach and astrologer (with a Fortune 500 M&A background). Visit his website: www.astrodecision.com