05/23/2012 11:16 am ET Updated Jul 23, 2012

Oh, Hey ... Do You Want to Buy Some Candy From Me?

Oh, hey. How's it going?

You look sooooooo nice today! What's that you're wearing -- pants?!

Verrrrry cutting edge. They say pants are the new black.

ANYHOO, i have a box of Hershey chocolate items on my desk. You can have one or the entire box. But you have to give me one dollar for each item. Why?

Well, my 3-year-old son goes to a co-op school run by dirty hippies. And as you're probably well aware, dirty hippies ALWAYS want you to help out. Because they're lazy. That's why they're dirty. LAME.

So the dirty hippies are like, Tuition is cheap, but you have to sell chocolate to your friends and co-workers!

And I'm like, Oh, cool. So, the candy is like some sort of faux-artisan chocolate made by a trust fund-supported 20-year-old in his Park Slope studio that my friends and co-workers can't get just anywhere?

And they're like, Nah, it's the type of chocolate you can't walk half a block without stumbling over -- you know, the stuff that's available in every vending machine, bodega and convenience store in America.

And so I'm like, Cool, so I'll just give you $30, and then throw away the candy?

JK! LOLZ! ROFL!!!!!!

The second reason I'm selling them here is that I told my wife I would try. This is my version of trying. I'm not a very good husband.

Ok, bye!