THE BLOG
09/30/2015 08:10 am ET Updated Sep 29, 2016

5 Reasons Beer is Better Than Women, For the Divorced Guys Out There

Did you recently divorce and now you're considering dating again?

Before you decide to settle down with another woman, you might want to read this.
In fact, I am pretty sure that grabbing another beer rather than another relationship is a much better idea for you, and here's why.
From woman to man:

Beer Nurtures Your Bones, Women Break Them:
Beer contains silicon which is linked to bone health. Women contain mood swings and other volatile elements which are bound to make us want to smack you instead of cuddle you.
Are you sure you want a girlfriend or another wife?
Perhaps a cold frosty one will do instead.

Beer Tastes Great Cold
Beer tastes great cold.
Women taste awful cold, which they are when you piss them off, say the wrong thing, buy the wrong gift, don't pay attention to her, don't compliment her new: haircut, dress, or purse, don't properly 'warm the engine' up before sex, or generally exist.

Beer tastes great cold and even better? You don't end up on the couch.

Beer Contains Vitamin B and Protein: Women Contain All the Sexual Power
While most of the alcohol kills off the vitamin B and protein in your beer, women contain ALL of the sexual power in your relationship.
Do you want sex and she doesn't? Too bad.
You wouldn't dream of saying no, but she might if you do anything in the previous paragraph, which you are bound to do at least once or twice a day.

Drink the beer; say no to the women for now at least.

Beer Comes in Low-Calorie Form--Women Do Not
Beer comes in low-calorie kinds, but women do not.

If your woman wants something fattening on the menu, she will make you order it and then eat two bites of it, leaving you to eat the rest, which you do, until six months into your relationship when you realize the only six-pack you have is a Sam Adams Oktoberfest.

Beer is Good For Your Heart. Women Will Kill You
Beer is good for your heart, according to Web MD and the Huffington Post.
Women will outright kill you.
Well, we won't actually kill you unless you pair up with a sociopath, but we will nag you and boss you into a quadruple bypass.
You signed those divorce papers. You remember.

Women are great but take your time after divorce before deciding you're brave enough to handle one of us.
Instead, drink beer, and watch that you don't lose those abs too much.
Wink.