This is for all the parents out there whose child is going to college for the first time this fall...
May 1st, 2014. It's been a strange spring for daffodils. By this writing, they've usually shot up, bloomed, and wilted. This year: not one yellow head in the garden. These daffodil bulbs are loyal and old friends. I planted many of them when I built my home here in Montana, three years into my now eighteen year old daughter's life. They have never failed me, and frankly, neither has she. And now she's a few months shy of fledging. Going to college. Spreading the wings that she has grown in full flourish and that I have proudly procured, mostly in small moments, doing things together like planting bulbs, canning jam from the strawberry garden, collecting heart-shaped rocks on any number of Montana riverbeds to line the garden path. This garden knows this child, and especially the daffodils do. She was born in daffodil time. My hospital room was full of them. I cannot look at a daffodil without thinking of her.
I try not to anthropomorphize as a rule, but something tells me that the daffodils are in revolt. They are harbingers, after all, announcing summer after a long Montana winter when you can't believe there will be any other color than grey, mid-grey, and white. Somehow, they prestidigitate through the last of the snow and POW -- there they are, promising color again. Birth. Every year their promise feels so pure -- like the kind a grandmother makes. There will be life again. In abundance. Summer. Sun on flesh on green grass and ladybugs. Lemonade on the front porch with bare, painted toes, and cricket symphonies. I love those daffodils: they are all H.O.P.E. Maybe this year they know that she'll walk down that garden path in a few months, and not come back for a long time. Maybe they're depressed. Or in denial, thinking that if they don't produce blooms, she will somehow stay. Maybe they're trying to stall spring, so that summer and fall will have to wait. Maybe they're teasing time in hopes of keeping her around a little longer. The tulips don't seem to care at all. They're ready to do their thing, looking around in confusion like their warm-up band has bailed and they have to play to an un-lubed audience.
I'm envious then, of the daffodils. I want to go on strike. To not have to feel my way through this fledge. This inevitable and natural parting. I want to fold my arms across my chest and say, "I'm stepping out of the wake of all this college stuff -- the financial aid forms and tax returns, the coast-to-coast-and-in-between college visits, the applications and essays and what-do-you-want-to-do-with-the-rest-of-your-life questions. The info sessions and tours with perky student guides walking backwards and shouting fun university factoids to battle-weary Juniors and their parents. The "Beggars" meetings with advisors and teachers and admissions people and alumni. The rejections. The acceptances. The "Choosers" tour that ended just last week -- the trains planes and automobiles that have taken us to all of those hallowed halls, trying them on for size, hoping to fall in love.
I just want to spend today sitting in the garden with her, amid the daffodils, telling her about the day she was born. And drink hibiscus sun tea. And braid her hair. Can't I, can't we, just... plain... duck from all this? It's over. She made her choice and she's thrilled about it. I am too. We have a few months now to breathe. To collect the years of her youth and to pile them up somehow into a cairn that will help her find her way wherever she goes. There is this deep need in me to have it all make sense. To make one defining sculpture of her happy childhood that she can leave behind, and a portable duplicate for her that she can bring with her. I'll put the first in the garden and slip the other in a box along with her comforter and favorite pillows marked: bedding. Maybe the daffodils will come out of hiding then.
Only a mother whose child is going off to college would have these berserk thoughts. I cannot imagine what a mother whose child is going off to war thinks about to fog her fear. I'm sure it's about way more than daffodils. I keep thinking that I am one of the lucky mothers out there who knows her child will be happy wherever she goes, and if she isn't, she'll change things around so that she is. She's so comfortable in her own skin. She's so ready to fly. I mean, what if she wasn't? What if she wanted to live in the basement and get a minimum wage job and let her dreams, or worse her wonder, sift through her fingers? If that was the case, I'd be shoving her out of the nest with all my might. This is a good "problem" to have. But it doesn't mean it's easy.
The official college decision day was yesterday. We sent in the deposit. Filled out the last forms. Applied for a few more scholarships. She wore the school T-shirt to school, along with her other friends who wore their college of choice T-shirts. It was a day of celebration. For her. I made her favorite comfort food: Greek lemon chicken soup. I think tears actually landed in the broth as I stirred. I served it to her in bed because she had homework to do and sprained her ankle running track, and just needed to be in bed. I don't blame her. It's the end of a long academic, extra-curricular, SAT, form-filling haul. She deserves her favorite soup in her very own bed. Next year, if she's having a day like today, she'll be in a bunk in a dorm room, with ramen and a microwave. Hopefully she'll call her mother.
I am not a heli-copter mother. I didn't push her through her childhood (except to take piano lessons, I confess. But I let her finally quit when she got to high school. Now she wishes I had pushed her to keep going...so go figure!) Instead, I took her pulse. I was the wind at her back when she needed it and sometimes without her knowing. But it was always her life to live, not mine. The first thing I said to her when we were alone in the hospital room on the day of her birth, her whole body fitting between my fingertips and the crux of my elbow was, "You can be anything you want to be." Daffodils and all. Time to fly, my dear daughter.