01/25/2008 11:58 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Courting Florida's FredHeads

With Fred Thompson out of the race, his supporters are now up for grabs. And in a tight contest, that 7% counts. Here's what the remaining Republican candidates are doing to woo former "FredHeads" in Florida in anticipation of Tuesday's presidential primary:

Mike Huckabee:

-Give stump speeches at the 4:30 pm Early Bird Special at Bob's Big Boy Restaurants.
-Personally shovel voters' front walkways this weekend "just in case it snows."
-Change campaign rally swag to Werther's Original caramel hard candies (old swag was just a plastic fetus).
-Fire Chuck Norris as sidekick, hire all of Law & Order's past and present Assistant District Attorneys (the hot ones).

John McCain:

Break into retirement communities in the middle of the night with a campaign staffer, who is wearing a white sheet with the eyes cut out and moaning "Woooo woooo! I'm an Islamofascist....ghost....wooooo spooooky..." McCain then hits the staffer over the head with the butt of a shotgun wrapped in an American flag; the staffer falls over and plays dead. Then McCain puts on his best grin and starts-a-hand-shakin'!

Mitt Romney:

Decides to go with the "bad boyfriend" tactic and just ignore voters. He's canceling his campaign events, sleeping in late, and generally pretending that he couldn't care less about being President, because obviously Thompson supporters seemed to like that. Probably a self-esteem thing.

Ron Paul:

Write an essay for Foreign Affairs Magazine about "blowback," a CIA term brought into the contemporary lexicon by the writer Chalmers Johnson, and which is now used to explain how covert military operations undertaken in countries overseas have traditionally had deleterious effects on public opinion in said countries and eventually led to violence directed toward the United States, violence which, because the American public remains unaware of its root causes, will seem random and inexplicable and therefore all the more terrifying. Note: this might not work.

Rudy Giuliani:

Give stump speeches while sucking on a helium balloon (not related to Thompson supporters; just trying to get attention).