Thanks to technology now you have to worry about your online reputation in addition to the one on earth -- two reputations to stress over when one is enough to set your brain on fire.
How can you possibly keep track of all your online activities or remember every time you drunk posted a picture of yourself, downing rum shots on a Jamaican beach? Hypothetically speaking.
Other technological problems, like lack of privacy or digital burnout, can make life online intolerable at times.
Some website platforms even torture, uh, encourage you to learn @#$&*%!!-HTML coding, which reminds me of hieroglyphics and is far more difficult to learn than Spanish.
Whenever my pulse gets a Black Sabbath vibe after staring at HTML symbols for too long, I start to exhibit symptoms of Cyber Ditz Disorder, characterized by the inability to Google.
If only my problems with the Internet ended there. Sadly, I have a social media phobia, too. Yes, Facebook and Instagram scare me.
But that doesn't stop me from visiting my profile every time I get the memo from Facebook that "You have notifications pending," which makes me feel bad that I haven't responded to all those Farmville requests.
Isn't compulsive link hopping distracting enough?
That's why my brain shuts down every couple of days from information overload, often prompted by a Facebook email that comes with an underlying threat.
Lauren, you have 30,000 Facebook notifications pending.
Don't you feel like a jerk for not responding?
Lauren, Wanda WTF Knows? just added you as a friend on Facebook.
You want to have friends. Don't you? Or are you some kind of freak?
Lauren, you have five friends with birthdays this week.
Wish them a Happy Birthday. Damn it! You freak!
Honestly, I agree with Betty White when she said, " ... Now that I know what Facebook is all about, frankly, I think it's a waste of time."
Yet, social media gurus constantly hype the importance of using Facebook and other social media platforms to promote a business or blog. Book publishers require authors to use social media to promote their books. Simon & Schuster even runs a social media boot camp for their authors.
I understand the necessity of self-promotion. I "tweet" and "like" with the other cool kids. But that doesn't mean I like to "like." I worry that if I don't "like" a picture of a Schnauzer wearing a yamaka, the cyber cops will Taser my keyboard.
For someone who already endures a variety of dysfunctions -- from ADD to OCD to shyness -- dealing with Facebook, WordPress and Google is too much for my 3.1-pound brain to handle.
Why do the Internet mucky mucks insist I interact with strangers when I should be interacting with my BFF keyboard and be writing instead?
Oh, that's right. I can do both. That is, if I could multitask, another dysfunction of mine, along with poor time management skills.
I also suck at punctuation.
Too bad the Internet isn't ADD friendly, yet I can probably make a friend on Facebook every time I'm online.
Can you say, "ironic?" Now, Google "ironic" and see how many synonyms you can find. And, oh, by the way, is my avatar fat?
---
This is a revision of the blog post "My Blogging Dysfunction" that originally appeared on ThinkSpin.com.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.