10/22/2012 05:04 pm ET Updated Dec 22, 2012

Hey Undecideds: Some Offbeat Reasons to Vote for Barack Obama


The election remains close, and the reality is that undecided voters may make the difference in swing states.

Look, if you're still on the fence after all the ads and speeches and debates, climb down already. By now it's time to decide, don'tcha think?

And if the tax theories, Roe v. Wade and other fact and figures aren't clearing your mind and helping you decide, let's try another route:

Dear voters who cannot seem to choose, let's shake it up with a few offbeat, admittedly shallow and superficial but perhaps persuasive scenarios that might happen if you don't reelect Barack Obama:

--Widows peaks would come into vogue. Do you really want to see right-wing men and women blackening the middle of their foreheads in emulation of the new veep? It would be so retro, when women were penciling beauty spots on their face like Elizabeth Taylor in the 1950s. The Eddie Munster look is not a good one on man, woman or beast.
Vote Obama.

-- Speaking of beasts, the nation's dog would need secret service protection. Can we as a country trying to reduce the deficit really afford this? And do we want to spend four years worrying constantly about whether a dog is being strapped to the top of an armored vehicle?
Vote Obama.

-- We'd have to learn Willard's five new sons' names and the names of their spouses and kids, just when we've finally figured out which of POTUS' girls is Malia and which is Sasha. And are you really ready for a first-son named Tagg, who's already said he'd like to take a swing at our current president? The White House could become more like Animal House.
Vote BO.

-- Joe Biden wouldn't know what to do with himself if he weren't wing man, except maybe become president of a condo in Delaware where he could hole away and vent. Spare him, spare the condo association.
Vote Obama.

-- Donald Trump would get to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom. He might bring Gary Busey with him, and NeNe Leakes. Can you imagine these folks in this hallowed room? Not a good visual, even one at a time. Please respect the memory of our greatest president and keep that clown as far away as possible from anywhere where people have to make rational decisions.
Vote Obama.

--Dumbbells would be in the oval office. Hand-held weights, too (visual of Ryan on the Time cover pumping iron, cap-backward, Alfred E. Neumann expression).
You know, vote O.

--Which reminds me that we'll lose the arms race, specifically Michele Obama's guns. I'm not sure what Ann Romney's arms look like, or Mitt's, but safe to say we'll never see the likes of Michele's again in a FLOTUS or a POTUS. (Although Ryan seems to be working out with better results than his marathon time.)

And a final, purely personal plea. I admit to being the same age as the veep, so I still feel in the game. But Paul Ryan was born in the same year on the very same day as my son. That would remind me constantly that I am old enough to be the mom of a vice-president or president.

Please think of all these admittedly shallow, somewhat selfish consequences, and so many others like them, and if you're still undecided, be kind to me, a well-meaning older lady who cares about the future, and even though you don't know me at all, make that last reason enough to get off the damned fence already, and reelect Barack Obama.