03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sorry "suzy," But It's Over Before It's Begun

I recently received this love note in my inbox:

My name is suzy, In search of a man who understand the meaning of love as Trust and faith in each other rather than one who sees love as the only way of fun, but a matured Man with Nice Vision of what the world is all about, I took Interest in you, so pleas reply me with this Email suzy ----

So I lovingly replied:

Hello suzy,

Thank you for your thoughtful message in my inbox. I'm flattered that of all the people in this world you sought out me and me alone.

You seem to have noticed that I am available and I do think I have a "Nice Vision of what the world is all about," but dear suzy, the last time I looked I was a woman, not a "matured Man." Yes, you got the mature part right, but I do not have any man parts except for increasing chin hairs.

As for the meaning of love being "Trust and faith in each other rather than [seeing] love as the only way of fun" I must say that I have a bit of a problem with having trust and faith in someone who thinks I'm a man.

And what's wrong with fun, suzy? I take it that "love" to you is "making love." Nothing wrong with that. It may not be the "only way of fun" but it sure beats Scrabble.

(Do you play Scrabble, suzy?)

Never mind.

While I am flattered that you have sought me out, suzy, I think that you and I might not be totally compatible. Maybe I'm wrong. Do you like baba ghanoush? Mahler's Fifth? Leo Kotke? Rauschenberg's goat series?

Never mind.

I never met you but I'd guess you don't work on the National Spelling Bee committee. I would guess you're not in the education field. Hmm, on second thought...

I hope you don't mind that I don't answer your email, suz. (Do you mind me calling you that? I can't help it. You have been so kind and supportive.)

suz, you may have singled me out for my "vision of the world," but I have to break it to you gently: We're through before we've begun.

It isn't you. It's me. It's my problem.

I hope this doesn't cause you heartbreak. You'll get over it; we've all had our hearts broken. You took a risk, and I admire risk-takers.

We can still be friends. Maybe we could join a film series of 1970s Antonioni films or see Pilobolus? Do you like Pilobolus or do you prefer Alvin Ailey?

I do wish you the best. You sound like a lovely and discerning person.

With regret,

Lea (matured WOman) Lane