03/10/2015 12:03 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How to Break Up With Yourself: A Guide to Ditching Your Inner Bitch

Let's be honest:

Your inner critic can be brutal.

And after a while, it can wear you down.

We all have that version of ourselves that we wish would just go away.

The version that preys on our insecurities, takes us away from our goals, and generally makes us feel not so nice.

I call that your Inner-Bitch.

It's easy to notice when you're receiving this kind of treatment from someone else, but what do you do when you realize you've entered into an abusive relationship...with yourself?


Whether it's your relationship with your body, your relationship with food, your relationship with how you are feeling, what you are doing, and who you are being on a day-to-day basis, it all can be put into that category of your relationship with YOU.

If you're currently talking to yourself a certain way, regarding yourself a certain way, looking at yourself a certain way, and generally treating yourself a certain way, and it's not serving you and your life...

It's time for something better.

It's time for a new way of seeing things, a new way of doing things.

You see, I don't believe any woman has a time 'problem' or a confidence 'problem' or a weight 'problem'.

And I don't think that any woman lacks motivation or willpower or purposely 'self sabotages' her journey.

All of those things are simply symptoms that you've been practicing a relationship with yourself that doesn't serve you, and it isn't keeping you truly happy or fulfilled.

And it's a very heavy and weighted relationship.


Walking around every day with the weight of the weight of your body (both physically and metaphorically)...

Walking around every day with the weight of the goals, gameplans, or programs that downright suck or you can't possibly stick to...

Walking around every day with the weight of how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're doing, and who you're being every single day.

And it's all DEAD weight.

It doesn't HAVE to be there.

And you don't HAVE to keep practicing it.

You don't HAVE to have this relationship with yourself any longer.

You want more. You need more. You deserve more. And I think you should go get it :)

If you feel like you are in a relationship with your own biggest Bitch rather than your own BFF, it's time for you to ditch her.

It's time to break up with your old self: your old way of talking to yourself, regarding yourself, and treating yourself...

...and go meet yourself again.

How to Ditch the Bitch in 5 Easy Steps:


1. Ditch the Guilt

Guilt zaps the fun out of the here and now. If your inner rule enforcer is always chiming in about the 'right' or 'wrong' way to do something, what's 'good' or 'bad', or what you 'should, would, or could' be doing (this is all in comparison to the status quo or your idea of perfection of course), you're never going to get to actually enjoy the experience of your life.

Look to see where the rules you've made for yourself are causing you to put the guilt in guilty pleasure by fast-forwarding yourself to how you'll feel in the future. Ask yourself: "How will I feel after I [eat this/say that/do this]?". Then make the decision that would enable you to enjoy your experience guilt-free. If you're gonna do it, find a way to let yourself enjoy it right?

2. Ditch the Shame.

Eating that cupcake does not mean that you are 'weak-willed' or a 'self-sabotager'. In fact nothing about what you do or don't do has to mean anything about who you are as a person. I'm not telling you that you need to love all of your decisions or actions, but you don't need to apologize for who you are either. You also don't need to apologize for how you feel, and you certainly don't need to apologize for your past, hide yourself, disgrace yourself, or shame yourself for what you did or didn't do.

Begin to notice when you are putting yourself in a box, eternally labeling yourself, or simply apologizing for the person that you are. Seriously, it's no necesito.

3. Ditch the Blame

The only way to truly own your life is to take responsibility for it. Sometimes things happen and there is no logical explanation, and it doesn't need to be anyone's fault. Finger-pointing and blaming doesn't take away from what happened or change the facts. In fact it keeps you living in the past by dwelling. And most often (especially if you have your Inner-Bitch on your shoulder) the finger usually gets pointed right back at yourself.

Next time you are looking to assign blame to someone or something, ask yourself: "Will this really change anything?". Then focus on what you CAN influence, what you CAN do about the situation, and how you DO want to feel.

4. Ditch the Comparison

Comparison can be a valuable tool. It can help us create distinctions in our mind, figure out our own preferences, and generally help us detect apples from oranges. Comparison can also be used as a weapon to judge, shame, and critique ourselves (and others). Comparison to what you shoulda, woulda, or coulda done...or where you should be, would be, or could be.

Here's the truth: You are never going to be just like anyone else. You're a snowflake (cheesy as it may sound), and that will never change. But if you continue to liken and compare yourself to others and it's not serving you, that's a mindset shift that you have the ability to make right away. The human brain is designed to spot patterns and create associations, but if those associations are making you feel less than, that's on you, and you don't have to keep doing it.

What if you just started owning the fact that you are uniquely you and you're not meant to be a carbon copy of someone else? What if you noticed the differences you share between yourself and someone else, but didn't use it as a weapon to judge yourself, critique yourself, or shame yourself? What if you started with self-acceptance first, comparison second?

5. Ditch the Control

Call it what you want. Control, perfectionism, micro-managing. If it serves you, that's great. Truth is I've yet to meet a woman that doesn't drive herself crazy over it.

I refer to control as a 'losing game'. It's perfectly natural to desire that certain things happen in a certain way, but when we create requirements that everything happens according to plan (requirements to be happy, to feel successful, to feel good about ourselves), that's when it backfires. And it's only because we will never truly be able to control every thing and every one in our lives. It's an impossibility. But we do have the power to influence our selves and our lives to our greatest abilities.

Happiness stems from freedom, not control. But we can only feel truly free when we have the ability to choose. Restrictions and control are the polar opposite of freedom.

So where can you lay down the weapons of control and rigid rules (that we tend to use to force change in our lives), and pick up the tools that truly influence your life? Things like permission, choice, and freedom? Because no one likes to be locked up in those chains of control. It's no way to live. Fortunately for you though, you have the power to choose if or how long you stay in them.

BOTTOM LINE: Breaking up with your Inner-Bitch starts with awareness.

If you can identify where you are talking to yourself about yourself through the eyes of guilt, shame, blame, control, or comparison, and start talking to yourself like you would a sister or your own BFF (with acceptance, compassion, and understanding), your life is going to completely change.

Your inner self-talk determines what you say, what you do, and how you feel every single day. Influencing it is one of the most powerful things you can do to influence your life.

And it all starts with awareness.

Leanne Ellington is a writer, a mad scientist, a storyteller, an ambidextrous hoolah-hooper, and wholeheartedly believes that peanut butter should become the fifth food group. Her career started after she personally lost over 100 lb. of fat and then went on to help other women do the same thing through her weekly television segments, award-winning corporate wellness programs, and women's fitness studio.

Although weight loss was her main driver initially, major spine surgery and the face-off between her "fat head" and "skinny head" took her on a journey she could have never predicted, and she became a spokeswoman for women all over the world shunning "body image as usual".

To celebrate Women's History Month, Leanne is giving away 1000 FREE copies of her Amazon Best Seller How To Ditch the Bitch: Winning the Inner Game of Transformation. Snag your copy right here!