11/19/2010 10:25 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

I May Run for President and I Am Available for a Lucrative TV Deal

The 2012 elections are just around the corner so it's obviously time for me to start hinting that I may run for President. Because, who knows? Don't count me out. I might! It's too early to say but I'm just saying. If I don't see any other candidates who are me, I might be forced to be me, myself and that's a role I would gladly fill for my country.

In order to prepare to hold the highest political office in the land, I am ready, willing, and able to appear on any number of reality TV shows and by 'any' I mean ones where I've never made to do anything unpleasant, uncomfortable or unfun. Or eat bugs. I won't eat bugs but not because I'm afraid to eat bugs. I'm totally not afraid but I won't do it because it sullies the dignity of the office of the president.The only president who ate bugs was William Howard Taft and that was a long time ago. Plus, that dude pretty much ate anything that came with 15 inches of his mouth. Wacka, wacka.

Okay, forget the Taft jokes because being president is a serious and somber responsibility that only the famous should be considered for. Is Sarah Palin more qualified than Snooki to be president? Of course she is, because Snooki is not old. Is Sarah Palin as qualified as Mike Huckabee or Bret Michaels or Gene Simmons? No, because they are all musicians (except for Bret Michaels).

And that's the way the Electoral College works. Amen.

Let me be clear -- shallow fame that feeds on itself is America's renewable resource. F. Scott Fitzgerald once told Wikipedia, "There are no second acts in America." I have no idea who F. Scott Fitzgerald is but anyone who knows anything knows that the second act begins on page 25, when the Hero is forced to leave his comfortable circumstances and hit the road with Zach Galifianakis.

Which reminds me. Barack Obama was a much better president when he was just famous and not president. Now he's starting to look like Morgan Freeman except sad and lonely. Perhaps he should bravely quit and then hint that he might run again and be a judge on American Idol. He'd really be a great Idol judge, too. Think about it.

In conclusion, hire me. I believe that I have answered this essay question in a manner that shows I well qualified to be President of the United States in hopes that I will work my way up from there. I am considering running and that should effectively make me endless fascinating as I "mix it up" with the ladies on The View and create late night hijinx with political movers and shakers like Carson Daly.

What a country!