01/05/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

President Bush, Pardon O.J. Simpson Now!

President Bush, I realize that I may not have much pull with you right now but it seems that without Karl Rove around, you're kind of lost and sad. I saw your statement on the White House lawn today about the huge unemployment numbers and you looked like you wanted to dig a hole in the Rose Garden and climb right in. So you need advice and I'm here for you, man.

I'd like to urge you to pardon O.J. Simpson as soon as possible.

Here's my thinking, such as it is : if you pardon O.J., the media will go into 24 / 7 freak out mode from now until the inauguration. We'll have experts on law and celebrity news and and politics sports all playing tag team like it's an information iron cage match. We just need a way to work the weather in there and it's a full employment plan for cable news.

Mostly importantly, though, if the media is talking about your pardon of O.J. they WON'T be talking about all the other totally effed up stuff you're doing. Ya know, the lovely parting gifts you're leaving to the remaining left-behind-ers in the GOP base. Like that thing that will allow the dude at Rite-Aid to not fill my wife's birth control prescription because Jesus came to him in a dream and whispered that God wanted women pregnant so they have bigger boobies.Or the lumps of coal you're leaving the environmental movement.

I know mercy isn't your thing. Don't think of an O.J. pardon as mercy, Mr. President. Think of it as one of last chances to add to your legacy of doing really stupid things. And if you want to punish O.J., after the pardon just make him move to Texas and caddy for you.

That'll show him who's the boss.