03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

President Obama Gives In to Pressure; Orders 40,000 Gay Troops to Afghanistan

WASHINGTON DC - In a move that many are calling a brilliant chess rope-a-dope double-quick back flip of genius awesome supercalifragilisticexpealidotious maneuver political wonderfulness and magical triangulation, today President Barack Obama ordered 40,000 openly gay and lesbian troops into the Afghan War. In a really good speech, President Obama said the move was both a victory for human dignity and for pointless wars we can't possibly win.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel threw confetti into the air and danced a funny little dance.

President Obama signed the 2845-page bill into law Monday morning after a tough Congressional fight that included merging over 86 unrelated bills and having Rep. Barney Frank and Sen. Orrin Hatch wrestle each other while naked to waist and covered in hot oil. The consolidated bill requires troops to be deployed either immediately or in 2017, after first being given a chance to opt out of gay marriage and start a green jobs company assuming they can find a loan and meet new pay rules that force all companies to pay for the health insurance of one lobbyist for every three employees or face a fine, jail or a timeout unless they drank a beer with a policeman.

Multiple anonymous sources said that from now on, openly gay soldiers would be sent straight to the Afghan battlefield in whatever country that was. They called the 40,000 troops about to maybe definitely be deployed 'the gayest of the gay', noting that some objected to an unusually high percentage of Republicans in the troop count.

And suddenly, everyone was careful about what they'd wished for.