07/10/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Researchers Discover Neurological Cause Of Republicanism But Cure Is Years Away

Great Barrington, Mass -- The Obama administration's commitment to science already seems to paying dividends as researchers in the medical school at Simon's Rock College have made what they call a "major breakthrough" in discovering the neurological disorder that leads to becoming an influential Republican.

Although scientists have debated theories for years about the potential causes for Republicanism (also known as Terminal Conservativism) it's only been in recent weeks that they were able to determine the specific areas of the brain that lead to the condition, which has been nearly fatal to the United States. Despite the new findings, researchers are quick to point out that a cure is potentially decades away and that the current strain of Republicanism has mutated into a highly resistant and unpredictable disorder. They point to a recent case in New York where an outbreak was caused by a bizarre combination of marriage and military service, as well as the tragic case of the entire state of California, which is currently on life support.

Still, researchers seem confident that by finding the exact region of the human brain that leads to becoming an important and respected member of the Republican party that it will be possible to isolate and ultimately eradicate the condition. Lead Researcher Biff Stoller told reporters, "We have developed such specific data about the areas in the brain that cause GOP that we think it's only a matter of time before we start poking at it with a knitting needle. Seriously, we can't wait for that part."

So where is Republicanism? Researchers say it's in lower right cortex, between the lobes that cause you to feel awesome while driving drunk on the wrong side of a Texas freeway with a transvestite prostitute in the passenger seat of your Lincoln Navigator and the part of your brain that causes you to feel shame for sneaking into your sister's room at 2am and stuffing her panties in your mouth while suffocating her baby kitten to death with a pillow your Mom embroidered with the Ten Commandments.

Stoller explains, "This general neurological region that allows one to feel a false sense of superiority, a blind and seemingly endless pit of rage, a numbing religious guilt, barely suppressed sexual desire, and the complete lack of ability to appreciate the long terms consequences of one's own actions is area that we discovered to be exceptionally well developed in all important Republicans we've studied. Not only that, it starts throbbing like crazy even when seemingly healthy people are exposed to Republican ideas for very long."

As an example, Stoller showed a chart of a Rhode Island man who was repeatedly given expose to doses of Sean Hannity. A noticeable ridge was visible along the bottom right section of the man's brain. Stoller pointed out the sections above and below the ridge. "This section here is what makes you want to sucker punch a gymnast from the Special Olympics. And down there is the part of the human brain that decides to experiment early one Sunday morning by seeing how many pretzel sticks would fit into one's own rectum. That area in between -- that's Sean Hannity."

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