Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 2 premiere of HBO's "Girls," titled "It's About Time."
Let's take a moment to rejoice. After 10 episodes of dysfunctional relationships, cringe-inducing sex and a hasty marriage, "Girls" has finally returned to grace us with another season of sexual and professional disasters and occasional triumphs.
So what did the characters of "Girls" get themselves into in the Season 2 premiere? Let's revisit their misadventures.
Hannah: Lena Dunhmam's Hannah has a "this year is going to be different" air about her. She's finally broken up with Adam (Adam Driver), the guy who used to pee on her in the shower, and she's dating a black guy -- thoughts, critics? -- named Sandy (Donald Glover) who lends her copies of "The Fountainhead" when they're not having sex. Her gay ex-boyfriend Elijah (Andrew Rannells) is her new roomie, and Hannah is convinced she's turned over a new leaf.
Except she hasn't. Adam got hit by a truck last season, and it was kind of Hannah's fault so she feels responsible. She spends a good chunk of the episode snuggling with Adam, watching movies with him, helping him pee in a pot -- he misses, of course -- and asking him about his feelings. Don't be fooled, though. She's completely over him. She has a new, totally normal boyfriend who she really likes having sex with!
Meanwhile, her relationship with Elijah has gotten more than a little friendly. The opening scene of the Season 2 premiere has the two of them spooning in Hannah's bed and Elijah apologizing for his boner. "It's not for you," he explains. That makes it better?!
When Elijah and Hannah decide to throw a housewarming party -- "I love living with you!" they exclaim in unison as they decorate their apartment -- things quickly take a turn for the worse. Elijah's much older boyfriend gets too drunk, Hannah tells Marnie she doesn't really have time to be there for her right now, and Elijah and Marnie end up sadly singing Sarah McLachlan's "Because You're Worth It" while everyone else tends to whatever drama has befallen them.
Yes, Hannah's made changes on the outside. But inside she's still that self-absorbed, unemployed twentysomething who can't seem to learn from her own mistakes. Get the ball rolling on your life, Hannah -- I'm rooting for you!
Shoshanna: Everyone's favorite TV virgin, played by Zosia Mamet, has been deflowered. The man responsible for her deflowering is the lovably awkward Ray (Alex Karpovsky), who was once responsible for saving Shoshanna's life when she did crack and ran around Brooklyn without pants.
Though Shoshanna has been deflowered, she is not devalued. When Ray shows up at Hannah and Elijah's housewarming party, Shoshanna gives him a cold "hello" and "goodbye," but it's not because she's trying to play it cool.
The problem is, she went through a period of sending Ray texts full of emojis (pandas next to swords and such), and he ignored them. Shoshanna has since defriended Ray on Facebook and performed rituals in hopes of ruining his life, but Ray is still on Team Shoshanna. When he sees her, he attempts to explain how confusing her texts were and divulges his feelings for her all in one breath.
By episode's end, it looks as though if Ray continues to play his cards right, Shoshanna may consider giving him another shot.
Marnie: While Hannah and Shoshanna are immersed in their complicated love lives, Marnie (Allison Williams) just keeps getting metaphorical slaps in the face. After losing her job because her company "downsized," Marnie's mom (Rita Wilson!) tells her she looks like she's 30 years old and proudly tells her daughter that since losing 34 pound she's started f***ing a hot cater waiter.
Adding insult to injury, her ex-boyfriend Charlie (Christopher Abbott) is still head over heels for Audrey, the headband aficionado he started dating shortly after their breakup. Marnie tells Charlie she's pretty sure she could go eight months without having sex and still be totally fine, which somehow gives Charlie license to extol the virtues of Audrey as Marnie downs a glass of white wine in one gulp. Ouch.
It gets worse, though. Left alone singing aforementioned Sarah McLachlan tune, Elijah tells Marnie he might be bi and they end up having sex ... for about 30 seconds. Elijah blames his impotence on Marnie because she "rolled her eyes," which leads Marnie to Charlie's door, where she abashedly tells him she just "needs to sleep next to someone."
Talk about a bad week! Marnie may have the looks, but she certainly doesn't have the luck.
Jessa: Ever the flighty one, Jessa (Jemima Kirke) makes her appearance in the final minutes of the episode with her brand new husband Thomas-John (Chris O'Dowd).
Although their marriage came as a bit of a surprise, a cornrowed Jessa appears happier than ever as she and Thomas-John stumble gleefully home from their honeymoon. "I don't even know where you live!" she exclaims, high on life.
Marnie's down, Jessa's up, Shoshanna's confused and Hannah's sabotaging herself. Twentysomething New Yorkers may be having an easy time of it somewhere, but it's certainly not happening on HBO.
"Girls" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. EST on HBO.