•Kathy Bates in a bathrobe. My life is complete.
•Follow-up thought: where can I get one of those maroon Emmy robes? Do you think the actors get to keep them? Maybe I can check eBay later.
•Connie Britton, Kathy Bates, Martha Plimpton, AND Ellen in the same skit?! Is this a Flawless Human Beings Convention or the Emmys?
•I can't decide if Jimmy is pulling off that bow tie or not...
•Jimmy's opening monologue takes shots at at Cat Deeley, Honey Boo Boo, Mitt Romney, Chick-fil-A, and Charlie Sheen. Nicely done, sir.
•"Being a Republican in Hollywood is like being a Chick-fil-A sandwich on the snack table on the set of Glee." --Jimmy Kimmel
•It's amazing how tired I can be of Mad Men, and yet not at all tired of Jon Hamm. Speaking of which...
•JON HAMM!
•Sigh... Not a single network drama nominated for Outstanding Drama Series. Pretty depressing.
•COMMUNITY! (Glimpsed briefly in the comedy montage...) Also, Happy Endings. I guess all their nominations got lost in the mail?
•The towel scene from New Girl is still hilarious.
•Supporting Actor in a Comedy → Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family) (his second win)
•Eric, buddy, your speech is great, and so sincere, but please wrap it up. This is the first of many long acceptance speeches by Modern Family people we'll have to sit through tonight.
•JON HAMM!
•Oh dear God, a preview for The Neighbors...
•Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series → Louis C.K. (Louie)
•"Melissa McCarthy in 7 minutes!" flashes at the bottom of the screen. Is this some kind of pop-up ad for Middle America? Like, "Wait! Don't change the channel just because this sweaty ginger guy is talking! That lady from Mike & Molly is coming up soon!"
•I would totally become a lesbian for Kat Dennings.
•Supporting Actress in Comedy → Julie Bowen (Modern Family) (second consecutive win)
•There's really no winning when you're up against a dead person. I'm sorry, Julie. (RIP Kathryn Joosten)
•Sophia Vergara hollers something encouraging at Julie from her seat. I love how she steals the show even when she's seated in the audience without a microphone.
•At this point, I feel like I've spent a third of my life listening to various acceptance speeches from Modern Family cast and writers.
•Hey! Did you know I can send my personal congratulations to the winners via Twitter using the hash-tag #EmmyCongrats?! And I bet it will really mean a lot to them. They'll totally read every single tweet.
•Look, it's Matthew Perry! By the way, you all should watch Go On. Seriously. It's fabulous.
•Outstanding Directing in a Comedy → Steve Levitan (Modern Family) (OF COURSE)
•I'm so tired of listening to Steve's over-rehearsed, self-congratulatory speeches: "I want to thank me for hiring me as a director when no one else would." (from Steve Levitan's speech)
•KEN JEONG FOR THE WIN! Rule of thumb: when in doubt, add Ken Jeong. To anything. Ever.
•Wow, the Emmy producers didn't even pretend that any show other than Modern Family would win this one. They even had a pre-taped sketch ready.
•Melissa McCarthy got Alec Baldwin to smile! She is a goddess.
•Lead Actor in a Comedy → Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) (three-peat)
•I really hate when Two and a Half Men wins things.
•I also hate it when nominees clap for themselves when their names are announced. It's not classy.
•Lead Actress in a Comedy Series → Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Veep)
•If Amy couldn't have won, I was rooting for Julia. So, yay! But also, seriously, who do you have to kill to get Amy Poehler an Emmy?
•At least they gave Amy a funny bit to do while she was busy not accepting her Emmy. And it included Julia saying the line, "Isn't it a shame that Amy Poehler didn't win?"
•Is Julia's dress caught on something onstage? Someone's getting fired for this.
•We still give awards to reality TV shows? Seriously? This seems so unnecessary. How many of them really deserve to be nominated?
•Reality TV montage features Project Runway, Jersey Shore, and who knows how many shows with titles that are puns on the word "pawn."
•It's the Beek! And Damon Wayans Jr. I guess they both have comedies on ABC, so it's not that random of a duo.
•Outstanding Reality Show → Swamp People!... Just kidding, it's The Amazing Race. (Again.) Do we still need to go through the formality of presenting it?
•Will this clip from The Big Bang Theory ever end?
•Seth MacFarlane...without a microphone. Just how I like him.
•"This is what happens when you don't come to rehearsal." Well played, MacFarlane.
•Outstanding Reality Show Host → Tom Bergeron (Dancing with the Stars)
•Wait, isn't there a rule that says Betty White automatically wins any category she's nominated in?
•"I want to thank Jeff Probst for not being nominated... That helped." -Tom Bergeron's acceptance speech
•I'm sorry, did The Hunger Games get nominated for Best Drama? Why is there a flaming bow and arrow on the screen?
•JON HAMM!
•Grey's Anatomy is still on?
•I should really watch Downton Abbey.
•Did everyone else know Claire Danes is pregnant?
•Supporting Actor in a Drama → Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
•Awww, he hugged costar/co-nominee Giancarlo Esposito first.
•I like it when people seem to be legitimately unprepared for accepting their awards. It's nice to see some humility, and their remarks are more likely to be genuine when they're off-the-cuff.
•Wow, Tracy Morgan's suit matches the sparkly Emmy stage.
•Haha, the Mad Men writers claim to handle writers' block by drinking...and writing about Don drinking. I totally believe that.
•Outstanding Writing for a Drama → Homeland
•Sucks for this third guy who doesn't get to talk at all while the other two accept their award.
•"10 Minutes to JON HAMM!" flashes across the bottom of the screen.
•Supporting Actress in a Drama → Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)
•Maggie Smith is like the British Betty White.
•Wait, Jon Hamm has never won an Emmy? I don't even like Mad Men, but that just seems wrong.
•Why haven't I seen a preview for Suburgatory? Can The Neighbors be canceled soon so Suburgatory can have its time-slot back?
•Yeah, Parenthood! Way to get a nomination (for Jason Ritter).
•Outstanding Directing for a Drama → Timothy Van Patten (Boardwalk Empire)
•Jimmy is doing a pre-mortem "In Memoriam" for himself, set to the Josh Groban piano remix of One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful." Awesome.
•Was this just an excuse to show a snippet of Jimmy and Ben Affleck together again? Because if so, it was definitely worth it.
•Julianna Margulies' dress looks like a rich person's drapes. But I kind of like it.
•JON HAMM!
•Lead Actor in a Drama Series → Damian Lewis (Homeland)
•Damian Lewis is British? Of course he is.
•"I don't really believe in judging art, but I thought I'd show up just in case... Turned out alright." -Damian Lewis
•He's married to Helen McCrory from the Harry Potter movies! Okay, your Emmy didn't give you any points in my book, but your Harry Potter connection does.
•JON HAMM!
•Tina Fey and Jon Hamm are the dream team.
•Did Elisabeth Moss just say "beans" in her Emmy clip?
•Lead Actress in a Drama → Claire Danes (Homeland)
•"Mandy. Patinkin. Holla." -Claire Danes' acceptance speech
•Time to present the awards for variety shows... Do we have to?
•Hi Jane Levy! (So they didn't forget about Suburgatory!)
•The Kennedy Center Honors should win, just because, a) they involved Meryl Streep, and b) it's really hard to create a serious awards show centered around an award that looks like a kindergartener's craft project.
•Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series → Louis C.K. (Live at the Beacon Theater)
•Louis C.K. just beat out the Oscars for writing in a variety series. What alternate universe is this?
•Ricky Gervais is here to make some quality jokes about the Golden Globes and drinking.
•Directing for Variety Show → Glenn Weiss (65th Annual Tony Awards)
•How many times can Chick-fil-A be mentioned in the span of one awards show?
•Outstanding Variety Show → The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
•The Jimmys are tackling Jon on his way up to claim his award. These are truly the funniest men on TV.
•Jimmy Kimmel's parents are escorted out of the theater by security. What good sports they are.
•Oh no, it's the dreaded Miniseries/TV Movie portion of the evening... Time for me to go refill my popcorn bowl.
•Supporting Actress in a Miniseries/Movie → Jessica Lange (American Horror Story)
•As if it wasn't boring enough, now we have to listen to the chairman and CEO, Bruce. At least they thought to put Ellen on stage with him to make it watchable.
•Supporting Actor in a Miniseries/Movie → Tom Berenger (Hatfields & McCoys)
•This is gonna be a long speech...
•Cue walk-off music...somewhere between his mention of the dialect of eastern Kentucky, and "a demented garden gnome."
•Hi, Ron Howard. How's that new season of Arrested Development coming?
•Time for the "In Memoriam"...
•OH MY GOD ANDY ROONEY DIED?! Why didn't anyone tell me???
•Lucy Liu and Kiefer Sutherland? That's the weirdest pair we've seen all night.
•Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries/Movie → Danny Strong (Game Change)
•Holy $#!%, Jonathan from Buffy the Vampire Slayer just won an Emmy for writing. This is so surreal.
•Oh, hello, Tom Hanks' mustache.
•Lead Actress in a Miniseries/Movie → Julianne Moore (Game Change)
•That's a big, yellow dress, girl.
•Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries/Movie → Jay Roach (Game Change)
•Benedict Cumberbatch is just adorable. I love his hair. And his face.
•Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries/Movie → Kevin Costner (Hatfields & McCoys)
•Uh oh, Kevin is going on some tangent about the Olympics... This is awkward.
•Andre Braugher! (I'm so excited for Last Resort. Everyone in the world should watch that show.)
•Outstanding Miniseries/Movie → Game Change
•Tom Hanks is accepting the award! This almost makes the Miniseries/Movie category worth it!
•Julianne Moore? You already accepted your award. What are you doing here?
•Outstanding Drama Series → Homeland
•[90 seconds of joyful flailing and hugging their way to the stage.]
•This is Showtime's first "Best Series" Emmy ever? Wow, congrats, Showtime. I feel like it should have been Weeds, but hey, I don't get to vote.
•Michael J. Fox! He really is everyone's favorite person. (Good call, Jimmy.)
•Outstanding Comedy Series → Modern Family (shocker)
•Are they tired of this yet? I almost feel bad for the cast for having to make the long trek up to the stage all the time.
•Is Steve Levitan seriously telling some anecdote about a spacecraft or something? I'm pretty sure it's not funny. Aaaaand now he got cut off by the music. Good.
•"Oh, did you guys wanna stay another hour?" Great final words, Jimmy.
•JON HAMM!