Until recently, we imagined that not allowing schoolteachers to molest children would be something everyone -- left, right, conservative, liberal -- would wholeheartedly agree upon. Then we heard of Vic Eliason.
See, it turns out that it all depends what you mean by "molestation." According to Eliason, an evangelical clergyman and founder of a popular Christian radio station in Milwaukee, there's physical molestation and mental molestation. The mental part comes when any public school teacher dares to teach anything other than strict Christian ideology -- like, say, that it just might be possible that the earth is more than 6,000 years old. The physical part is what Jerry Sandusky did. And, according to Eliason, the first is just as evil as the second.
After we finally stopped throwing up, we gave Eliason's words a bit of thought. You know, using that definition, molestation suddenly doesn't sound so bad! We're terribly grateful to all the public school teachers who are sick enough to molest us with concrete facts and globally accepted science. Thanks, guys!
Last week, Eliason chatted on his radio show with Colin Gunn, a home-school advocate and maker of a film called "IndoctriNation: Public Schools and the Decline of Christianity in America." (Check out the awesome trailer here.) Gunn and his family travel the country (in an old school bus, of all things) equating public education to joining the Hitler Youth. "We really can't fix any political issue until we fix the public school system," says Gunn, "controlling the future of America by controlling the hearts and minds of all the children that are sent there."
So Gunn wants to control the hearts and minds of all our children... What was that again about Hitler Youth and molestation?
If you happen to be as paranoid and crazy as Gunn and Eliason, never fear! They have a solution to all of this: home-school your children! That way you can avoid all the nasty, inconvenient, science-y things that might contradict your Bible. It might not prepare your kid for a competitive college but -- if Mitt Romney gets his way and guts all those Pell grants -- your kids probably won't be able to afford college anyway!
Now, we have nothing against home schooling; public school isn't right for everyone. But just as we were wondering how all that homeschooling might work out for kids of Christian conservatives, we came across
:
a letter to the editor
of the New Zealand paper
Northern Outlook
. The letter was written by
a 14-year-old self-identified home-schooled girl.
We'll do our best to summarize, but, really,
you should just read the letter
, in which the girl (identified as "Jasmin") worries that, if homosexuality spreads,
ducks will take over the world.
"I don't want my children to have to compete with ducks," she writes, referring, we hope, to children that she imagines she will have someday and not to any actual kids of her own.
We were feeling bad for poor Jasmin - whose letter is contradictory, illogical and preposterously misinformed - until we realized there's a market for contradictory, illogical and preposterously misinformed ideas in the form of the Mitt Romney Campaign!
After all, Mitt Romney changes his position every day, and we still have weeks to go before the election. Maybe it's time for Mitt to steal some solutions from Christian conservative home-schoolers here in the U.S. So take our survey and let's figure this out!
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.