THE BLOG
12/22/2014 11:17 am ET Updated Feb 21, 2015

A Teenager's Guide to Having an Awful New Year

Jamie Grill via Getty Images

Putting all thoughts of Christmas temporarily aside, winter break is also the time of drafting New Year's resolutions and wading through a pool of cheesy inspirational quotes.

Are you tired of having the same old, bubbly, happy school days that you get each year? I don't blame you. Who would want to live a life wrought with happiness and cheer? It's probably too late to ruin this year for you, as Christmas is unfortunately, the jolliest time of the year. But if you read these easy-to-follow instructions, you could find yourself immersed in misery by the time you go back to school!

1. Big Deals = Big Trouble

No matter who you are, I can assure you that if you added more drama into your life, it would be so much worse. Never miss an opportunity to blow something out of proportion. You got a 71 percent on your test? Looks like you're going to have to repeat this whole year. Someone didn't say, "Excuse me" as they bumped into you? Obviously they have it out for you. You have acne? Uh-oh, how could the universe be so cruel?

Make sure to vocalize all of your concerns to anyone who will listen. Chances are they've wanted to have a bad day too, but they aren't brave enough to pursue it like you.

2. Too cool for you

Repeat after me, "I-am-too-cool-to-do-anything-fun."

Awesome. Opportunities for fun are for those darned kids who like to enjoy their teenage years. You don't have to waste your time with any of that -- simply don a handsome scowl and abstain from any festivities. No matter how tempting school dances, games and even just hanging out with friends may be, don't give in. I promise you they will only bring you fun and memories from high school that will last a lifetime -- nothing you can be bothered to pursue.

3. Procrastination Sensation

This one is super easy, and chances are, you're already doing it by reading this article on the Internet!

There is nothing better (in a wicked sense) than putting off all of your work until it rises out of your backpack and slaps you in the face with a calendar. The last minute rush can be so rewarding. It creates the perfect opportunity to have extremely stressful nights wading through piles working into an unearthly late hour.

A general rule of thumb when it comes to procrastination is that the lower your grades are, the lower the bags under your eyes are. Bloodshot, baggy eyes make for a very stunning look -- the "crazed student" style is going to be all the rage this Prom season.

4. There's no bad time to worry

This tip goes in hand with #3, as you can procrastinate by worrying, and worry because you procrastinated so much. It's very convenient to put your mind into an uneasy state all the time. Why put your focus in the moment when you can live in the woes of the unwritten future? For anyone who is looking to craft a miserable year, worrying is a must.

One of this best aspects of worrying is the immense diversity of the art. You can worry about anything! Your grades, your friendships, college, your family, whatever it may be, you can devote your time to obsessing over it. Even if something in your life is going great, you should assume it would take a turn for the worse soon, and worry promptly.

I must warn you though, with worrying, you will be tempted to act and work towards preventing everything you don't want. But you CANNOT do this; I promise you that taking an active stance will yield results and security. Stay lazy, stay crazy.

5. Unfriendliness is key

Remember when you were much younger than you are now, unfortunately happier, and you would see all those dark, sulky, somewhat frightening teenagers? They had their time to be frustrated with life, but now it's your time to shine a light of hostility towards everyone you meet!

Do not be fooled by people who smile at you and say, "Hi" in the hallway or class. They don't understand your more important, negative pursuits. A simple, "Hello, how are you?" and greeting your classmates may seem like the appropriate response, but a dark scowl is all the rage among the young and the hopeless.

A fun game to play with this is to suddenly show signs of anger towards your friends and even boyfriend or girlfriend, but refuse to tell them why you suddenly chose to pursue an upset attitude. It's sort of like "21 Questions" but with a lot more glaring.

If someone wanted to have a good, monotonously wonderful and aggravatingly memorable year, I would imagine that they could simply reverse these directions to create a wonderful year, as if anyone would possibly want that...