Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 9, Episode 6 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."
Desiree and her band of bachelors are slowly making their way through Barcelona because apparently it too is the perfect place to fall in love. So they say. It would appear that the evidence submitted only proves that Spain is the best place to suffer from an emotional breakdown before ousting not one but THREE suitors. If I may approach the bench, honorable Bachelor Nation, allow me to present exhibits A through E to defend my case.
Drew is selected to be the recipient of the first one-on-one date in which he and Des explore Barcelona with nothing but an umbrella and quest for adventure. He kisses her when they meet in the street, licks her whipped cream mustache from the coffee shop, cries over his father's struggle with alcoholism and then promptly ditches the camera crew to drag Des away from dinner and out into the alley so he can properly make out with her up against a brick wall. The moment just fell short of romantic due to its awkwardness, but where he lacked in planning, he made up for in skill. Des rewards him by sending the ABC intern inside to fetch the date rose.
With the bud freshly pinned to his lapel, he stops Des' advancement to fling him onto the opposing wall and instead decides that this is the best moment to tattle on James. In case you didn't know, he and #Kasey overheard James say that he could be the next bachelor if things didn't work out with Des. Also, Mickey T. totally has a boat and some hot chicks he'll share once they get back to Chicago. Chris Harrison should have held someone in contempt for telling variations of this exact same story roughly every 20 minutes for the entire two hour episode, but that never happened. At this point, the jury was still out about James' fate even though Des looked pretty ticked off.
Naturally the group date was held at a soccer field. The Federal Prosecutor was sporting both a headband and compression socks. Brooks, Chris and #Kasey made the best of the situation, considering Juan Pablo was totally in his element, looking hot, I might add. Since James is a beast, he was nominated to be the goalie. Who knew that he would be scared of soccer balls flying at his face? By a team of sixth grade girls nonetheless! The boys lost 10 to 2.
At the after party, Des pulled Chris into her boudoir and just as I was about to roll my eyes at the thought of Chris reciting a short limerick he made up out on the soccer field, Des pulled out a postcard and begins spouting off her original poetry. Yay! This is a thing with them! Meanwhile, #Kasey confronts James on what he heard, but the Federal Prosecutor stirs the pot. "HEARSAY," shouts James! Des decides that the rose is going to stay on the coffee table and sends everyone home except James. He performs a delightful tap dance, giving her the ole' razzle dazzle. A decision is made. She's too tired to decide and will adjourn until tomorrow.
Des takes Zak to an art studio where they sketch a bohemian Spaniard. He loves doing what Des loves, so the fact that he got the crap date doesn't seem to bother him. Then a dude arrives in nothing but a robe, drops trou and stands provocatively for a nude portrait. Zak, being Zak, uses any opportunity to relinquish himself of his own shirt. He strips down to his tighty whities and pretends to be embarrassed. I found myself wondering if he travels with a spray tan machine. No one can remain that orange for so long.
Zak talks about his parents at dinner. His shirt remains buttoned. He makes out with her while giving her compliments. When they leave the wine cellar dungeon, he takes a moment to push her up against a wall and make out with her, which would have been a lot hotter had Drew not just tried to do it one date ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan. But will anyone ever top the original up against a wall kiss with Emily and Arie in Prague? I don't think so. But it's nice to know that these guys are reading my blog.
This just in: James wants to be the next bachelor or something. MAKE IT STOP! The question of whether or not James will become violent is now circulating around the water cooler. We're not sure, but you can bet he will be tucking in his shirt and sweating under his man boobs from the pressure. Ironically, he will NOT use the pocket square to sop the moisture. Drew has become the mouthpiece for the group and is able to speak his case very eloquently. But James is not having it. He has plead his case and he will stick by his convictions 100 percent. It's reality! He will go back to a life either with Des or as the bachelor. He doesn't understand what the problem is. But unfortunately, the convictions of #Kasey, Drew and the possibility of Brooks and Chris questioning her judgement is enough to send him home. Don't let the door hit your white pants as you leave James. And good luck with those chicks in Chi-Town.
What did you think, "Bachelorette" fans? Was James telling the truth? Will you miss seeing Juan Pablo each week? What was up with the crying montage at the end of the episode? Is Des going to send everyone home next week? Sound off in the comments. I rest my case!
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays, 8 p.m. ET on ABC.