03/25/2013 11:37 am ET Updated May 25, 2013

The Royal Nanny Interviews: The Dramatic Finals

[This week we follow the progress in the search for the woman who will be responsible for the care of the third in line for the British throne. My Little Publishing Company retains exclusive rights to these transcripts.]

Tension was high and yet interest had strangely waned as Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge tried to winnow down her selection for the post of the Royal Nanny. The Queen, not feeling well, excused herself from the process. William, Harry and Charles were called upon to aid Kate in the final interviews.

William: Sorry darling, we can't stay. We're late for the grouse shoot.

Harry: What's good for the grouse is good for the shoot.

Kate: Oh, please William, please don't kill any grouse. Think of our unborn child!

William: What's wrong with her, Daddy? She's scaring me.

Charles: She's just gone a bit daffy. It's something to do with the hormones.

Harry: She was ever so much more fun when she wasn't preggers. Are you sure you want to go through with this baby thing, Will?

Kate: Please don't talk about me as though I weren't here.

[Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall enters.]

Camilla: You boys hurry on. Step mummy will take care of this.

Kate: Oh, Camilla, thank goodness you're here. Can't you stop them from killing the little birdies?

Camilla: Hush, Kate. Let's focus on the business at hand. We must choose a nanny.

Kate: But I can't, I can't. They're all so perfect. It's just too hard. [Sobs].

Camilla: Never mind. I've a brilliant plan.

[The five finalists enter]

Ladies, Here's how we are going to decide this. I want you to sing your favorite lullaby. You'll be chosen on the basis of your performance, costume, and ability to carry a tune.

Candidate #1. Brittany Landberg-Schultz 20 years old of California: OMG that's so not fair. I didn't even get a chance to do my hair extensions and I've got on my daytime eyelashes...

Camilla: Let's move on.

Candidate #2. Lashaunta Blake of Kingston Jamaica:
Hey dere, is you sleepin', is you sleepin, Brudder John, Brudder John. De mornin' bells dey ringin', de morning bells dey ringin', Din din don, Din din don. An' dey givin' me da evil headache. Din din don.

Landberg-Schultz: She took my song! I was going to do that in real French with a barrette. The bitch.

Blake: Who you callin' de bitch, bitch?

Candidate #3. Princess Thornton of Detroit, Michigan:
The itsy-bitsy f*******spider climbed up the f*******water spout. Down came the f******rain and washed the f******spider out.

Camilla: Thank you, Ms. Thornton. Mrs. Jackson. I believe you're next.

Candidate #4, Serenity Jackson of Goodwater Alabama refused to perform. Instead she handed out cards with contact information for her agent, PR person and NAACP representative.

The final candidate was Gertrud Lundquist of Djursholm, Sweden. She had removed the ratcheting wrench that had been imbedded in her left cheek and was wearing a traditional Swedish folk costume of a long skirt, white apron and cap. Her rendition of a Swedish lullaby brought tears to both Camilla's and Kate's eyes.

Somnar du lilla gris. Somnar nu eller jag lovar du kommer att leva att beklaga det. Somnar medan jag nynnar den här ganska liten sang.

[Translation. Go to sleep you little pig. Go to sleep now or you will live to regret it. Go to sleep while I hum this pretty little song.]

Camilla: Well, I think we have a clear winner.

Kate: No. I want the people to vote.

Camilla: The people? What people? Don't be silly. The people know nothing about how to properly raise a royal.

Kate: It's my baby. I insist.

And so Kate, true to her common born roots, is throwing it open to the public.

Send your favorite Royal Nanny vote to Watch for the results next week.