Aw, men... try as they may to figure out the feminine psyche, they just can't seem to pull it together.
But hey, women are no Einsteins when it comes to figuring men out, either. That's why books of the Mars and Venus persuasion are such top sellers. We all spend millions trying to get inside the minds and hearts of the opposite sex.
Women especially do some serious spending on the subject. But you're in luck, ladies. You can stop spending those millions right now. I've spelled out below what I believe guys really think -- and what they wish about women. If you read it and disagree, feel free to continue spending.
Remember, these below are what I believe most guys truly think -- if they're being honest. I am not saying I'm an expert on men and how they think. My powers of observation are pretty damn good though. My own thoughts on each "wish" or "thought" are included, as well as how I interpret the guy's perspective. Also, many of you will note, these are not a big secret. Yes, guys have been verbal about most of these things for eons. Some of this is pretty damn deep, and may actually cause you to question some things in your life and relationships, but that's why I'm here... to help you dig deep. Now, let's dive in.
1. Don't Be a Cling-Meister
Women who are clingy should get a life. Confidence, intelligence and spending time with friends -- apart from a significant other -- is just plain sexy, and those traits make people more interesting anyway. If you want to lose a guy -- and fast -- sit around moping until he comes home, let him know how much you missed him while he was gone for an hour and beg to come with him each time he wants to go out with the guys for a beer (be sure to whine and let your eyes well up).
2. He Doesn't Know What He Did. He Doesn't Know What You Are Thinking. Please Just Tell Him.
Ladies, tell your guy what you think! Especially if he hurt your feelings or did something to upset you! And not a distilled, filtered, purified version that you "believe" he can handle. None of us are experts on what he or anyone else can handle from us... And well -- DUH -- he is not a mind reader, for goddsakes. Be transparent, authentic and REAL. Misrepresenting your true self and feelings or expecting him to figure it out will DEFINITELY backfire.
3. Jealousy Is A No-No.
"Jealous? Me? No. Those hot women fawning over him are awesome. They remind me of how hot he is, and he's all mine. Uh -- huh. Awesome." Hey, to each her own, but basically, if you are not secure in your own beauty (inwardly and outwardly) and in how he truly feels for you, then what are you doing with the guy? Clarification: I am not condoning smarmy, flirtatious behavior on the part of your guy that is either an obvious ploy to *create* jealousy in you, or just proves how ridiculously ICKY he is (in which case, what are you doing with the guy)? No, this is all about being with a man who is attractive to women, but knows to put respect for you first and to put the attention from other hotties in its place, should be something to be proud of. Enough said.
4. Female Sports Lovers Rock. (for many, not all men)
Example: "This football (golf, soccer, fill-in-the-blank) thing on Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays (or any day, really) is so much fun!" Did someone say football pool? Seriously, not all men actually want their woman around for every Monday Night Football, or (insert any other sport) game. Guys like to hang out with the guys sometimes as well. The point is, some men (I'll admit, not all are sports fanatics) wish women were supportive of their need for sports (or whatever their passion), even if sometimes their "need" seems to extend into many other areas of life. If it's a passion of theirs, they want freedom to pursue it, watch it and enjoy it. If you're happy to join in sometimes, all the better. If it is getting in the way of your happiness, then you either need to take a look at whether your demands for attention are balanced, or perhaps you should look for a guy who likes to read books or something (not that there is anything wrong with that).
5. Men Hate Nagging-Stiltskins.
I agree with this, ladies. My take? If I asked him once... let's say, to take out the trash (to be stereotypical) or not to park on the left side of the driveway and he didn't (or did) do it, there must be an excellent reason. Don't nag -- COMMUNICATE. Find a unique and non-threatening way to broach the subject, but do not -- REPEAT: DO NOT bring it up AS. IT. IS. OCCURRING... or while you are upset about it. HOLD (AND BITE) YOUR TONGUE. Shelve it for a few hours, or days without stewing over it. Make a mental note and think about a good way to approach it. Ask a good friend or mentor for advice if you must, but be careful to choose someone you know to be impartial and fair. Then, only when you are confident that you can bring it up without stress, talk about it! And, if you happen to be with a lame-duck kinda guy who always forgets that you asked him to not do something (or vice versa), well it may be time to trade up. Just sayin'. Do you really LIKE being a nag?
6. Don't Be A Stalker.
Stalker-type girlfriends, once discovered, are dumped pretty damn fast. Plus, if you're resorting to stalking him, there is not only trouble in paradise, my dear, but also in your head. And not to be confused with cling-meister behavior, which is done in the open, or jealousy, which is a feeling based mostly in insecurity, stalking is general done covertly, in secret, and is based on a lion's share of insanity. Don't tell him you're going out with friends only to spy on him in disguise while he's out with the guys. Don't go through his drawers or his cell phone. Do NOT hack his email. Just don't. Not because of what you may find (though you'll deal with that soon enough -- and then some), but because it's a clear sign you are in need of some psychiatric help, or at minimum, a life. Learn to trust him, yourself... everyone, because I am guessing if you are resorting to these things, there are some serious issues to deal with here. Get help.
7. Be Who You Are. Don't Change for Him.
Though he can't figure out what you're thinking, most guys get a sixth sense when a woman is faking enthusiasm over his poker night or if she is just trying too hard. Besides, that act can only last so long before it all falls apart. If you saw Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts, you know what I'm talking about. Under the guise of being "open to try new things" her character "tried" things she KNEW she didn't like, at the sacrifice of her own happiness. BE WHO YOU ARE. Stick to your guns. A guy respects his woman for her tastes and preferences, and for bringing something unique to the table.
This one is explicit -- proceed with caution.
8. Be Sexually Creative
Missionary position again? Can we please experiment some? Trust me on this one... it is not only a guy complaint. But girls, ya gotta be willing to try new things and have some fun with it. Bring toys (and I don't mean your favorite stuffed teddy bear from kindergarten, unless you have something kinky going on there), body oils, sexy photos -- whatever. Be the first on occasion to suggest a trip to the local bikini bar to spice things up if that is your thing (note: I didn't say if that is "his" thing, because if it is not your thing, you're not BEING WHO YOU ARE #7). Whatever you do, just change things up now and then.
9. Be Comfortable In Your Own Skin.
One of the biggest turn-ons for most guys is for a woman to walk around in front of them naked and unashamed. I don't mean "parading" yourself in front of him (although I'm sure most guys would love that as well). I'm speaking of every-day life here. When you've just had sex, don't grab the blanket to cover you up while you run off to get dressed in private. It may be a cute stunt once, but if you're hoping for longevity, you're going to have to progress here. If this is not your thing, you may want to ask yourself "WHY?" What are you ashamed of? What embarrasses you about how you look? Just remember that negative opinions and feelings are contagious. Be careful what you project to your guy (and others) about yourself. Remember guys are visual, so they will notice and love if you are unencumbered, but definitely if you make this into a big deal.
More important however, is to love yourself AS.YOU.ARE. Focus on the good things. But if you don't like your tummy rolls and you can change it -- then do. PERIOD. Which leads me to another aspect of being comfortable in your own skin: Guys love a girl who takes care of herself, physically, medically and aesthetically. You are lovely. So prove it! Then, birthday suit aside, whatever you decide to wear (in the clothing department), choose wisely. Wear what you love -- what makes you feel good and what you love being in. Otherwise, to a guy, why would you be wearing it? Also, this is an addendum to being creative sexually, but maybe it's time to get to the closest lingerie shop and find something that looks and FEELS FABULOUS? Just think back to #1 (and a constant thread throughout) -- confidence is a SEXY trait. A little bit of whimsy doesn't hurt either.
10. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.
Ahhh. This is a HUGE subject. Oh yes, you have heard it talked about before, but you're going to hear it here, from me... I've not yet addressed what many women consider unspeakable -- the issue of boredom, and some of the known ways of combating it (or not) in relationships. We've all heard of people trying threesomes, hall-passes and more to curb "boredom" with a long-term partner. Are they necessary? Do they work? That's between you and your man. I will say this: Let's face it. The idea of waking up to the same person, the same body, the same skin, with all the flaws out there in the open day after day -- well it at minimum can be intimidating and daunting. It's not that your man has to have those threesomes or hall passes, or any of the things you've heard of (maybe even practiced). Hell no. Every person, and every relationship is completely different.
But it's important to talk about how are you defining "boredom." I personally believe many men are truly not built for monogamy. They're just hard-wired to need their freedom to explore. I won't get into that psyche, because it simply cannot be hashed out in a single blog (or even a book)! Plus, whether you choose to accept that into your relationship (the hall passes or threesomes, whatever) is again, between you and your man. But if you are talking about "boredom" in the sense of "tired of" or "weary" then there are some other things going on there, and sometimes people confuse that for the need for "other" or "greener" grass.
When a man grows weary or tired in a relationship it can also be because the relationship has become all work and no play -- all the time. If he is constantly surrounded by the same-ole, getting-stale you, it may cause him to wonder more about what else might be out there. And wonder breeds wander. I'm not telling you to change who you are or that you are old or stale. I'm saying a guy can handle the same you day in and day out a whole lot easier if he isn't expected to endure all of your stresses, depressions, worries, fears, hangups (emotional and physical) without also enjoying the equally yummy (confident, non-clingy, non-naggy, sexually creative, etc..) you he came to know and love. Our guys are there to support us through the stresses (or they should be), but they are also hoping we'll get through it all and get back to enjoying life.
And this my friends is the GRANDADDY of all philosophies right here, and my own personal mantra: ENJOY EVERY MOMENT. If life is hard, reach out, get help, work through things and MOVE THE F*CK ON. We all go through rough patches when we aren't so pleasant to be around. Just don't let the rough patches keep you from being beautiful inside AND out for long (clinical depression or similar conditions not included).
Before I finish this point, let me close with saying that none of this is bullet-proof protection against a guy (or woman, for that matter) fantasizing about threesomes, or your being treated badly or getting dumped. If you are not going through a rough patch, you both laugh and truly enjoy each other's company and the sex is phenomenal, yet he still wants the hall pass or otherwise, and you're not into it -- well, then that may be a deal-breaker and he is probably not the guy for you. Or, if you are in a relationship with a selfish, narcissistic, chauvinistic, rude, mean or abusive person, no amount of "work" or "growth" on your part will make things better, and you should dump his ass and MOVE THE F*CK ON.
Men are not generally visceral beings. As a matter of fact, I find it rare for a man to emote or use intuition much at all when he experiences something with a brand new love interest. No. That's a female thing.
Do you think most men sit around after a fantastic evening with a beautiful lady they've just met (maybe there was some kissing or something sexual) and draw conclusions about what she is thinking, or wonder if she's going to call? Do you think he romanticizes having kids with you and shopping for a new home? Nope. He enjoyed himself physically... probably visually and socially, but the serious or real emotions take a longer while for guys. They sometimes have to be in a situation with someone for a long time before they start allowing those emotions into their life.
And girls -- guys' "long" times are so much longer than ours. Many females think they know if they want to be in a relationship with a guy after only a few dates. Be honest. How many times did you take it all the way to the thought of "you" sharing his last name, after only a couple of months? Most times McDreamy or McSteamy never has the chance to catch up emotionally or intuitively, before women start changing who they are, following him around, trying to lure him away from his sports or other passions, clinging to his every move, thus chasing him away. Let's give the good guys a break here and focus the work on ourselves, shall we?
Fini! Done! Moving on!
This post was originally shared on my blog, in a much more sassy fashion.