06/12/2014 10:18 am ET Updated Aug 11, 2014

How to End Rape: A Handy Three-Point Summary of the Washington Post Strategy

I didn't think the Washington Post could be any crazier than George Will claiming rape is all the rage these days, which is why all the ladies are doing it. Or having it done. Or pretending? Then came today. Today the paper provided us with a handy list to help us end rape once and for all in this latest unbelievably weird article. It has a chart and lots of boring* words, so I put together a handy numbered summary.

1. Make sure your mom and dad get and stay married

You know that school psychologist who said it wasn't your fault your mom and dad got a divorce? Pfft! Not helpful in this world. Get out there and manipulate them back together. Or better yet, watch What Maisie Knew and try out that kid's tactics to concoct a whole new family. Caution, no hard data on efficacy of the Maisie technique and, spoiler alert. Not that a lack of hard data stopped them from reporting this. If there's anything we've learned from #yesallwomen, it's that women sure know how to type.

2. Demand marriage

You don't want to get married? Don't you like safety?

According to the logic here, married men are "more faithful," therefore us ladies will be safer. Alert the polyamorists! Do NOT ask who exactly married men are more faithful than. Does the fact that they're the only ones actually bound by an oath to be faithful indicate they are singular in a field of one? Like I said, don't ask.

What's that, you say? It was your experience growing up in a household with married parents that made you not want to get married? Refer back to the previous paragraph.

3. Don't be gay or transgender, because that doesn't even factor into this list
Well, clearly enough said here.

In short, get out there and get on re-creating a heteronormative 1950! Because that worked so well. Wait...

*Actually, the article is not boring at all. Please read. Especially if you haven't gotten a good Internet rage on yet today.