I'm already done with my holiday shopping, but I understand that some of you out there can't read a calendar and always need to do things at the last minute. So for you, I made a list of my favorite last minute gifts. It's kind of like Oprah's favorite things list, but not everything costs more than the average person earns in a month. In fact, nothing on my list costs more than thirty bucks. So as long as you have a mall in your town, you can find these items at the very last minute. I'm still not sure why you want to wait to buy presents, but that is your business.
Clinique Chubby Sticks
What woman doesn't want a chubby stick? Get your mind out of the gutter. Women want these chubby sticks because they are purse worthy and safe for travel. Clinique makes eye shadow, lip stick, and blush chubby sticks. They have no applicators and do not require sharpeners.
Bath and Body Works Vanilla
I love Bath and Body Works Vanilla lotions and soaps. They even have candles that will make your whole house smell like a bakery. So stop watching that Elf marathon and get over to the Bath and Body Works store now. Be prepared for 782 salespeople to "help" you, though. If you don't like to talk to people much, like me, you may want to pretend to speak a language other than English. Warning: do not pick Spanish or French.
A Great Book
Almost everyone likes to read. Personally, I don't trust people who hate books. Most of the people on your list would enjoy a book of some sort. Stephen King books usually suck me in like a black hole. My favorite Stephen King book ever is 11/22/63. I could not stop reading it. If self-driving cars were real, I would have read while driving. It's that good.
Just about any human would appreciate a gift card. If you have dogs or cats on your shopping list, DO NOT get them a gift card. They will eat it. Humans, on the other hand, will find them quite useful. There are a lot of different gift cards out there. Grocery stores and drug stores usually have a display of them, so you don't even need to go to a particular store to buy one. You can also buy them online, but at this point, there's a chance it won't arrive before Christmas. So, put down that cocoa and put on some pants, and get out there. You've got cards to buy.
Music is one of the best last minute gifts because it can be delivered instantly. You can purchase an album online and have a link emailed to the gift recipient. Then, they can download it to their iPhone or other non-Apple device. Yay for technology covering up for your procrastination!
Be Betty Crocker
You could bake cookies, or a cake, or maybe a pie, depending on your skill level. Personally, I can make tasty cookies, but they tend to look like something the dog tracked through the house. If you enjoy baking, are low on cash, and have a few hours before gift giving time you could bake some holiday magic in your kitchen.
There you have it. I just saved your behind. You're welcome. Aren't you glad you waited until NOW to buy Christmas gifts? Now, put the glowing screen down and go shopping. I hope you can get a parking space.
Disclaimer: I have purchased everything listed because I love these products. I am not being paid by any of the companies above, especially the Kraft people. They would not pay me to advertise their holiday creations because my Oreo snowmen would look they stepped out of a snow zombie apocalypse.
Lisa R. Petty is a former stand-up comedian who decided she would rather just write funny stuff than deal with drunk people touching her after shows. When she is not cracking inappropriate jokes, Lisa is an online English professor. You can read more of her snarkasm at Petty Thoughts.