THE BLOG
09/25/2014 10:38 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Snarky Facebook Friend Island

Last month, Huffington Post published my 10 Tiresome Facebook Friends blog and it ended up being really popular. I was stunned and thrilled all at once. There were 135,000 likes, and 22,300 shares, along with 729 comments. Before I read any of the comments, I braced myself because I had heard how harsh HuffPo commenters could be from other bloggers. I'm pleased to say on this particular piece MOST comments were awesome. The MAJORITY of people got that I am a HUMOR blogger and not a CNN reporter. They knew that my piece was all in fun and they even played along with me by adding their own Facebook friend clichés.

Then, there were those people who did not get me at all. They thought I was being serious. For real. Some readers, like six of them or something, thought that I had not figured out how to remove annoying people from my Facebook feed and I was just writing to complain about my horrible friends. One lady (I use that word instead of humorless witch) told me I was a "bully" and I would regret this when I "came face to face with god." My eyes nearly rolled right out of my head.

I don't remember all of the other critical comments, but they mostly just told me to unfriend these people or remove them from my news feed, etc. Thanks for the tech support, guys! The most memorable negative comment was from this poor woman who lives in a town where Applebee's is a five-star dining experience and Walmart is the mall. No wonder she is angry! She said, and I quote:

Please don't take this the wrong way ( well, I really don't care how u take it , u did open the door) In my opinion , u really don't need to be on a social network . I mean if these friends of yours bother you so much ( u know the ones YOU friended in the first place) why not ..wait for it ... UNFRIEND THEM .. they are not your friends in the first place or you would not be running them down. Right ?? You should be on a desert island ..yep thats right ..that way no one can insult that marvelous opinion you have of your own wonderful self and you can talk to the only intelligent person you know ...you ! Ok ..got that off my chest .. you have a nice night now ..ya hear...from " glad I'm not your friend'

Yes, that is a direct copy and paste from her little comment box. She was probably super pissed about the "Speak and Spell" friend on my list. For that I owe her an apology, maybe, or not.

Actually, I owe her a big thank you because, you know, she is right. I DO need my own island, and not because I hate everyone, but because I am a hermit. So, I started thinking -- if I could have my own island, what would it be like?

Well, it would have a lot of cats and kittens, and they would all live inside. So, there would need to be cat houses surrounding my big purple mansion. I don't mean THOSE kind of cat houses. Seriously, I hate when people let cats roam outside, so I am sure not going to do it. The cats would have air conditioning, plenty of fishy food, and a ton of catnip. I mean, why wouldn't they? It's an island.

My island would also need a Super Target. I could get anything I needed there: groceries, clothes, electronics, books, etc. Since I would be alone on the island, everything would be free. How awesome would that be?

I would need a roof over my island to keep me dry when I'm outside. I hate rain, and islands tend to get a lot of it. I wouldn't want a dome because Stephen King has given me nightmares, but I would need something like a big, island-sized awning. They probably sell one on Amazon.

I would need a dock and a ferry. I would want people to visit me, even if they were Baconators or Monsanto Warriors. So, they would need a way to get to my island. Once in a while, I may want to visit the mainland, too, you know, if I needed to go to the Apple store or something. It's not like I would use a PC on the island. A boat of some sort would be a necessity.

I guess there would need to be a power plant or a ton of solar panels. I would need electricity to run the air conditioning and charge my Macbook, iPad, and iPhone. I would probably want to have a microwave and stove, oh and a refrigerator. Just because I'm living on an island does not mean I want to give up my first-world comforts. As my husband tells everyone, my idea of roughing it is staying in a hotel with only basic cable and no room service. It's true.

Assuming my purple mansion is fully furnished, I can't really think of anything else I would need on my island. I feel like I'm missing something, but that is probably because I have not had enough coffee today. What about you? Would you want your own island? If so, what would you absolutely need on it? Let me hear from you in the comment section.

Look how snarky I look! No wonder that one woman hates me.

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