Charlie Sheen: No Cocaine, Just A Laugh-Induced Hernia

I'M NOT saying I'll never be with a prostitute again. But it's hard. Parts of it are soulless and parts of it are nourishing. It's always a roll of the dice."

That's our always candid friend, Charlie Sheen, talking to Playboy magazine for July/August ("Massive Summer Double Issue" it says, directly above cover girl Jenny McCarthy.)

Charlie is Charlie. Don't try to make sense of anything he says, because mostly it doesn't. And he knows it. Is it BS or the real deal or some wild combination of the two, which seems to be working for him. (His new show, "Anger Management" is doing well.)

Yet at least he admits to being unfair to his longtime "Two and a Half Men" co-star Jon Cryer, in the heat of Sheen's firing. "I whaled on him unnecessarily....he's a beautiful man and a fabulous dude and I miss him. I need to repair that relationship, and I will. I will reach out to do whatever is necessary."

As for the now-legendary tale of a suitcase full of cocaine being delivered to his house, in the midst of a wild party, Sheen insists to Playboy's Eric Spitznagel, that it never happened. Nope. He was watching a Dave Chappelle sketch on TV and laughed so hard it gave him a hernia. The hernia did not occur because of too much partying and illegal substances.

Look, that's his story and he's sticking to it. And even if he doesn't, it apparently won't make one bit of difference to the fans who support him.

• WHICH LEADS us to the conundrum of Tom Cruise. Tom doesn't smoke (anything) drink, or carouse with hookers. He has never assaulted a woman or been accused of such a thing. He takes care of himself, he has not dissipated. He is still, according to Forbes magazine, the highest paid actor in the world. And yet, on the front pages of the newspapers, Tom is the devil, scaring poor Katie Holmes so much that she has to have a ring of bodyguards surrounding her when she ventures out. What's Tom crime? He's a control freak who belongs to the mysterious and controversial Church of Scientology. Okay, maybe that's not pleasant to live with, but the public seems to find his driven personality and religious/spiritual beliefs a lot more unsavory than anything Charlie Sheen does.

I guess bad boys do get more breaks, somehow. As for Miss Holmes, she will be fine. She's made her point, with her bodyguard photos, and the bits of business that have slipped out; her fears for Suri, etc. Nobody is going to be kidnapped or forced to do anything they don't want to do. She's been clever. I suppose she's had to be.

Let's not forget, she knew exactly what she was getting into. It's not like Tom became a Scientologist during their marriage. There were plenty of warning signs. But Miss Holmes was in love or lust or infatuated with his image and the attention he showered on her. And so it has come to this sorry pass.

• I WAS chatting with a friend last week about how much Internet technology and computers, cell phones, iPads, etc have taken over every part of our lives. Not just personally. Everything is controlled and connected it seems to one huge grid. What if everything blanked out one day, even for 24 hours? We've all become so dependant.

• WELL, IT's beginning to look like all the fan-whining over Andrew Garfield is evaporating as "The Amazing Spider-Man" continues to break records even before this all-important weekend. (But then these days, every weekend is "all important.") The film, which co-stars Emma Stone had as of yesterday, already made over 35 million in the U.S. in 24 hours. In Asia, the take was over 50 million and climbing.

• NOW THAT Anderson Cooper has come out, will New Year's Eve on CNN be as much smirky, giggling fun as it has been? Oh, you know--Anderson's friend comedienne Kathy Griffin would come on and tease him relentlessly, implying but never saying what everybody knew.