08/19/2011 03:10 pm ET Updated Oct 19, 2011

God Is Not a Republican

God must get exhausted during an election cycle.

"Should I run?" "Is quitting Alaska really quitting?" "How much pray does get out the gay?" "Why is Newt still in the race?" It's just got to wear a Deity out, all this man-to-God chitchatting.

Apparently God loves Republicans. Which is fine. God loves everyone so why not Republicans? But the Republicans He loves also seem convinced that He agrees with most of their talking points and all of their political platforms and that got me to questioning Divine Intervention neutrality.

I'm an agnostic, a sort of spiritual "we'll see" kind of person, so I'm not really the go-to gal on the mystery of God. He may well be out there, making note of mustard seeds and smiting heathens, bestowing Kumbaya love, all bearded and be-robed in the beatific motif of holy cards. He might be the hellfire and brimstone guy, mean as hell with a tendency toward hysterical denunciation. Maybe He really is the laid back hippie of The Last Temptation of Christ, happy to hang with lepers and a few pious prostitutes. But evidence points to the fact that God is too often a manipulation of man, created to suit whoever's creating Him, like those Colorform plastic dolls you transform with a switch of a plastic jacket or pair of shoes.

Given my confusion, I got to thinking that if God is so accessible to pretty much every GOP and Tea Party candidate around, I could surely maneuver a little one-on-one myself. A conversation with God, so to speak; all Neale Donald Walsch, George W, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann.

I had no idea how to approach an entity I'm agnostic about, so I decided to go with the meditation paradigm: close my eyes, create the bubble of detachment, and wait to see if He swooshed in like inspiration, tomorrow's work schedule or those lyrics I can't get out of my head. I'd prepared a list of questions, confident that if He deemed me worthy of private consultation, He'd likely arrive ready to rumble.

I fell asleep at some point but when I awoke, I was suffused with a sense of such remarkable clarity that I knew God -- in whatever form He exists -- had, indeed, spoken to me. The answers were epic. I was delighted to realize my instincts about what God deemed essential and basic were just what I'd imagined.

Get a pen and paper and sit down.

1. He's not a Republican. He's not a Democrat, a Libertarian or a Tea Partier either. He's non-partisan and actually has no interest in politics except as it applies to making life better for all.

2. He embraces all religions, unconcerned about which you follow... or any at all. He was clear that if you believe in Heaven, it's not religion that gets you there, but goodness and Godliness. Neither of which, he extrapolated, are about rules and restrictions, arcane obligations and regressive limitations, but rather love, empathy, compassion, inclusion and open-mindedness. He confirmed that he did, in fact, inspire the Golden Rule and that this philosophy embodies the entirety of His spiritual mandate: "Love thy neighbor as thyself and do unto others as you would have them do unto you." That's it, He said; pretty much covers everything.

3. Regarding the marriage of politics and religion, He said history has proven that mix to be an unholy one and we got it right when the Founders demanded the separation of church and state. He's not thrilled with the Religious Right, finds Dominionism a true perversion of his teachings, and reiterated that religion should never be used to rule, restrict, coerce, discriminate, conquer, judge, limit, or exclude. He agreed that the religion of candidates is not only irrelevant but should have no part in the conversation.

4. Turns out He loves gays as much as he loves non-gays! He said He made all humans and is well aware that they come in a variety of shapes, sizes, colors, creeds and orientations. He's not quite sure how the Bible and other holy books got peppered with all the hate-speak, but He wasn't behind it and actually finds the intolerance and judgment an anathema. He insisted that any legislation that violates basic human rights is man-made and counter to His Golden Rule.

5. He's less concerned about the size of government than the effectiveness and compassion of it. The partisanship and rancor of debate, the intolerance of class culture, the xenophobia and racism of the immigration conundrum, and the greed and selfishness of corporate and financial markets sicken Him. He's particularly piqued with S & P and finds racial bigotry -- political, casual or otherwise -- truly appalling.

6. Loving and compassionate though He is, He's displeased by those whose apathy and sense of entitlement keep them dependent on entitlements, who look to government to solve problems they have the capacity to solve themselves; who cheat, steal and manipulate without ethics, morality or a sense of the common good. Welfare and tax cheats, individual or corporate, really get His goat.

7. He said there is a special place in Hell for mass murderers, evil despots, abusive parents, most gang leaders, terrorists, the Phelps family and whoever it is that keeps finding new ways to hack into our computers.

8. He's not wild about reality TV, particularly any with the word "bachelor" or "housewives" attached; He insists that people need to eat healthier, moderate their altered states, and get off their asses (He said exactly that). He confirmed that Obama was born in Hawaii, cosmetic surgery has gone full-tilt overboard, and he's not fond of most Fox talking heads.

9. He had a few things to offer me on a more personal note (I was particularly pleased to learn my book gets published, I stay worthy of my black jeans, my family flourishes and I stop chasing pavements).

10. As for where all this started: no, you shouldn't run, quitting Alaska is quitting, gay doesn't need to be prayed out and Newt will be leaving shortly.

One conversation does not a BFF make, but I gotta say, I'm impressed. He's got a pretty good head on those shoulders.