Your bowel movements concern you more than your cholesterol levels.
Your new addiction is talcum powder.
Your panty liners are more than an eighth of an inch thick.
You can't remember if you're wearing a panty liner.
Your serviette (napkin) doubles as a nose wiper.
Your pants are hip at half-mast.
You're insistent about turning on the answering machine even though you don't use your landline.
You have an answering machine.
You get your breakfast ready the night before.
Your favorite topic of conversation is "Two and a Half Men" reruns.
Your TV volume level makes "Spinal Tap," seem like they were whispering.
You pass wind, via any orifice, anywhere, anytime.
You blame the dog and chuckle every time you say it.
You don't have a dog.
You have no idea what your pin number is.
Your pin number is your birth year.
You walk faster with a shopping cart.
Your garage resembles your kitchen pantry.
You're doing double takes on mobility walkers.
Any form of running water and you to hope to God you've worn those panty liners.
Feel free to add to this list...