THE BLOG
08/31/2015 11:36 am ET Updated Aug 31, 2016

Workin' on Our Fitness

Fitness tips you won't hear anywhere else (because they are so outstanding, not because they are delusional): When you are working out, always take off your wedding ring or any rings. No, I'm serious. Don't be a hero. You are already lifting weights -- why add the extra tonnage to the one arm? Ouch. Do you really want your left arm to out bulk your right? No way Jose.

Oh, you've been working out forever and think you know better than someone working out for two days, hmm? You don't see a difference in your muscles from not having followed my advice? Well, we've been talking behind your back -- we (the world) can tell a difference. Mr. Leftie is all "whatcha gonna do when Hulkmania runs wild on you?" and Mr. Rightie is all "I'm a T.Rex arm, you can call me Wimpasaurus. Roar." If you feel the need to retaliate, may I request a right hand only beating?

Second thing: When you step on the scale, if you don't like the number, step off. Move the scale to another spot on the floor and try again. Same number? Pick up again; move to another spot and stand back on the scale. Repeat until satisfied. What? You made it out to the kitchen and still don't like the number? That's fine. Just think of all that exercise bending and lifting the scale, moving it, and walking gave you. New tactic try leaning your weight to your toes and see if that helps. Oh crap, it went up?! Undo, Undo. That number never happened. Now get off- Blow your nose. Step on again, that ought to do it. Take the lowest number as your weight for the day.

Side note: The doctor's office loses patience when you follow this one on their clock, so you will have to reserve it for at home use only. I attempted to hang bullet points up for them to follow the correct procedure (which I outlined above), but they declined to leave them up... and really to even let me stay in the building. Totally their loss. I will not be deterred.

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